2004.

it's a day off to 2005. in less than 24 hours, i'll be unofficially 18 *big grin*.

one year passed quickly. 366 days of decisions, mistakes, joy, sadness and stress, just to name a few. life and all it has to offer us - keeping us busy day by day. before closing off this year as another chapter in my 17 years on this sphere of life, let me just reflect on all that's happened throughout 2004.. all this so that in times to come, i can look back and remember, all the mistakes i made (and learn from them), all the sweet memories i had (and cherish them), all the bad and good that's happened in the year before i finally set free and go out on my own..

this is my story of 2004.
started the year feeling pretty blue. i was broken, hurt.. whatever negative feeling you can name, i had it. most of all, i was confused. so many things weren't right for me then.

school began, and thank God for friends. thank You for sending angels in the form of all my friends. they have helped me in ways i could never imagine.. in life, in studies, in keeping me occupied so i wouldnt have to worry about things unnecessary. they've encouraged me to keep up with my grades - with my ever-dropping grades, at times i started to believe that i might not bring it back up anymore. with friends supporting me, i gained the confidence that if i worked hard enough, i just might make it. they never gave up on me either, even though i'm probably the worst procrastinator in the world. =) i dont know how to thank you all for all that you've done for me. thank you so much.

however, parts of my life were still on loose ends, though academically i was on more solid ground. i realized that i made a lot of mistakes, but there was nobody i could turn to as no one understood at all. i couldnt solve any of it, i failed in making things better. i was as insecure as anyone could ever get. i started having a lot of doubts in myself.

as time got by, it didnt get better. i only got better in hiding it and keeping it to myself. i smiled, i laughed, i enjoyed with everyone else.. but inside, i was lost.

mid year proved hardest on me. went through hell and back and realized what a fcuked up life i had. pondered on a lot of things. a lot of questions went unanswered. i just knew, i wasnt good enough. no one could help me; no one could explain.. because no one understood.

i started keeping it all in; locking up all that i felt even though at times it was too much to handle. i kept myself busy with friends and trying hard not to do too badly in spm.

months later and spm was around the corner. i wondered how was i ever going to pass? there were so many things i didnt know.. so much shyt i didnt understand. i blamed myself for wasting time before, but well, it's too late for that anyway. the only thing i could do was to learn from that bloody mistake and stop procrastinating so much in the future.

spm came and ended just like that. holidays began and it came to this.

earthquake and tsunami wrecking south asia ends 2004. so many lives lost and i've come to realize another thing - life is precious. not that i didnt know it before, but just that the magnitude of it all just came crashing down on me that life doesnt go on forever. you never know if you're still going to be alive the next morning. you never know if your loved one might be leaving for good at this very instant. you just never know. it's all so unpredictable.

life is so short, and i've wasted a whole year on nothing. at this point i regret wasting my time on regrets. i regret pondering on 'what ifs'. i regret a lot of all i did this year. if i could turn back time, there are so many things i would change about what i did. but i know i cant.

i know that there's no use regretting now. all i can do now is just make this past year as a lesson in life - once you go, never look back. for me i know it's easier said than done, but why repeat mistakes when you know how bad the consequences are?

as of now, in less than 24 hours to the new year, i promise myself that i will never take time lightly ever again. i promise myself that i will make full use of life. i promise myself that i will learn from my mistakes and never repeat them.

there. that was easily said. now i just have to work hard on it.

and while i'm at it, i definitely wouldnt have gotten through this year if it wasnt for..

for God.. for keeping me strong at my weakest points; for making me brave through all that life had to throw at me.

for my family.. my dad, my mom, my bro.. all who've lived with me and always kept me feeling loved.. we've had our ups and downs as a family but that's just what makes us stronger. i love you all so much!

for my friends.. all of you are everything to me. thanks for being there for me when i needed you the most. thanks for keeping me busy with all that you did. thanks for all your advice.. i dont know who i'd be if it wasnt for you guys. thank you so much.. *hugz* <3

finally, there ends my 2004. now all i have to do is box up all the bad memories and mistakes and hope that they wont find a way back to my life. forget it all..

2005, here i come!

peace be with you all too. =)

@ 1:30 AM