rainy days.

it's been raining all evening; bringing such a gloomy outlook to everything. so perfect for a confused soul.

i remember many a rainy day - and me being able to go thru it all just because you were there. but those are days of the past.

i know, it's not good reminiscing. but certain things got me thinking. i cant help it.

you used to think i was strong. just because you believed in me, i believed that i was strong too. you had faith that i was strong enough to go thru all this, but i guess you're wrong. i was strong enough only when you were there for me; guiding me and keeping me believing. but now that i'm all alone, my weaknesses set in.

strong enough only on the outside; strong enough only to hold up a mask of pretense. living in lies, lies i dont even believe in. but i had to be happy. i had to forget. so i went on lying. lying to myself, lying to everything and everyone around me. sure, i was happy. i am happy. but deep down, i know there's something missing.

i know that you're happy now. i'm happy for you too. truly. i wouldnt do a thing to change that.

i just.. well. i dont know what i want.

i just want to let go. really let go.

to look back on times of the past with no regrets at all. no more if onlys. no more wishful thinkings. no more nothing. just contentment and happiness. gladness. thankful that it all happened the way it did.

but i still cant do it. i'm not strong enough.

how could you believe i'm strong when you know that i'm not? it is not wrong to have faith in a person, but what faith is it when that faith is unfounded?

lately i've been living in the past. the strain of keeping it all in is starting to get to me. it hurts.

how i wish now that it all never happened. but i know that if it didnt, i'd never feel the happiness that i felt back then.

i miss being that happy. i wonder if i'll ever feel it again?

i tried to. believe me, i tried. but i couldnt. i just couldnt. at this point, i know i can only be truly happy for one sole reason.

i wish i could be angry at everything. angry at you, angry at God. angry at the way everything turned out even though we had a chance to do otherwise. but i know. God has planned better things for me. He did all this for a reason. i just have to try being strong enough to live it through.

i just wish it didnt have to hurt so bad.

however, i know i can never be angry at you either. no matter what you did, or what you're going to do.. i just cant be angry at you. there's nothing in you i can ever hate. how i wish otherwise. maybe that way, i'd feel much better.

i dont know how much longer i can keep this up.

i suppose you're right. i am strong. strong in lying. believe me, i have faith in my ability of doing so too.

i feel so drained. i guess i shall just go now. let me continue holding up this facade, until the time i can finally look back on this point of time and laugh at what a fool i've been for you.

till next time, cheers.

time to put on a smile now.


love is patient, love is kind.
it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
it is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

@ 11:27 PM