confessions.

i dont know which hurts more: the knowledge that things will never be the same anymore, or the fact that you got over it so soon.

i really dont know.

even thinking of it now still brings an ache to my heart. and to think, after all this time..

i guess this time of the year's always a jiwang period for me. a time i've always deeply regretted. a time where i wished i did things differently. a time i've prayed so much to get back to.

i miss you. do you know that? i miss you so much, and i dont know why.

what is this impact you have on me, on my life? it's just not possible. now i try to convince myself. i tell myself that it's no use. i tell myself that i'm only in love with a memory. a ghost of someone i used to know.

because i know, you're no longer the person before. life has changed you. situations have changed you. people have changed you. probably for the better, or worse? i dont know. because i barely know you anymore. the only you i know is the you i've been holding on to. i can only try to believe the change is for the better.

i cried once. very recently. i rarely cry. you know me, you understand me well. you know i always try to be strong when inside i'm as weak and scared as hell. that's why you were always there for me. but that was then.

that one time i cried, i felt so good. i thought that i was finally moving on. you know how people always say: cry, and you'll feel much better. well guess what? i didnt feel better. instead, i felt much worse. it was as though it finally struck me as to how much i've lost. and i've grown to regret more.

i need you here again. but i know you're not even here anymore. you have ceased to exist but for a mere memory. and that's the part that hurts.

did you know how much i loved you? i guess you didnt. i was never good at showing, was i? i was selfish. i held back. i assumed we had forever ahead of us. i believed we had plenty of time. but i guess not. fate has a cruel way of playing tricks with us. if i have a chance to turn back time, oh i would have done so many things differently! but life is cruel. and so is love. i had my chance and i blew it. i guess they were right. 'grab hold of what you have before you lose it'.. 'life is short, make full use of opportunities'.. *sigh.

but just so you know, i loved you SO very much. i loved you so much that i believed if i let you go, you'd be happier. so i did. i let you go. for a while there, i really thought you were happier. though it pained me so but i was happy. anything as long as that smile on your face is always there. but then, when i found out that for a while, you too, had a hard time, probably as much as i did.. did you know how much it hurt? and how much i regretted?

oh so much that i regret now. 'it may not turn out for us this time around, but in life impossibles do happen.. have faith..'

i DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IN FATE!

hah. this is funny. i'll bet you're wondering why i'm doing this now. why i'm saying all this. well. i dont know either. i guess i just need an outlet to vent my frustration. i'm not worried about you finding out either because i know, the circles i go around in are different from your circles now. we are completely different people. i dont know about you anymore, and neither do you know about me.

i remember someone telling me once, 'circles of friendship last forever, unlike hearts which break'.. but we're not even friends any more! so spare me the circle talk. hope on the circle was what kept me going all this while. i believed, i HAD FAITH; but i was wrong. and that is what disappoints me the most. i dont even have you there as a friend anymore.. as much as i'd like to believe, but you're not.

i'm so sad now. guess i got triggered by all that first love thing in the korean show and how it's almost end of the year right now. *sigh. just another jiwang moment, so please dont mind me, peoples.

i'm sure you're happy now. that i have no doubt of. sad as i may be, i'm glad that at least one of us found a way out. i'd want to wish you all the best with her, but who the hell am i kidding? i still miss you so much. i can only pray that you'll always be happy.. while i can just imagine myself in her shoes..

i miss you so much.

agh joanne is such a hopeless case..

@ 2:34 AM