'05 in retrospect.

a year came, a year passed.

...

i dont even know what to make of it - it's been a pretty.. different, year.

different in a sense that i've broken away from all that i held familiar to for the past, what, how many years? almost the rest of my life. different because i was leaving miri, going to college, living on my own, starting work.. it's all been exhilarating. so exhilarating, in fact, that the year just flew by. without me realizing it at all.

a year ago i was not without nerves. spm's just ended, college life looming ahead.. who knew what the future would bring? i was scared and excited.

now, i'm doing what i didnt even think i would be doing then. i have a job with a prominent news channel in singapore.. i've completed my foundation in mass comm with actually fairly not bad grades.. most importantly, i actually have my future all planned and laid out in front of me - something i never realized i would do. and even if i never fall thru with it (i mean, c'mon, you never know what's gonna happen in the future, do you? what if i end up marrying rain and becoming his manager instead? hahaha. okay i was kidding on that one), the important fact is i actually have an aim RIGHT NOW. and that's what drives you to work harder.

it's funny, really. a year ago i believed i wasnt as good as any of my friends. all for the reason that i felt i didnt have a goal in life, a dream i wanted to achieve. when i looked at them back then, i was envious. they all seemed like they knew what they wanted to do. get a scholarship, finish a-levels, get a degree someplace, become a doctor/lawyer/engineer/pharmacist/whatevershytelse.. i, on the other hand, i felt i didnt have anything. i felt like i didnt even have an inkling of what i want to do in the future.

this year has finally put me on track. i realise i do have a dream after all. i was just too lost to know it before. i look at my friends now, and i'm no longer envious. sure, they said they had dreams. but how many times did they change their minds about it even over the course of this year? no, of course i'm not saying that i'm better than them in any way. they're probably just as lost as i was before. it's just that, people get lost from time to time.. and it's just a matter of time before you finally find yourself.

***

as for friends.. i'm really glad to have friends who've been by me all this while. friends i've known forever, friends i've just met whom i feel i've known forever.. here's a shoutout to you all:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE DEEPEST ENDS OF MY HEART.

there's the oldest best friend who's always been there and never fails to be there.. and has never given up hope on me although i've been such an ass for a couple of (i still remember them) times. i dont know if you know how much i mean it everytime i thank you, but really. thank you so much. i dont even know how to define it.

then there's the other great friend who i've only recently gotten to know better this year but at times it seems as though i've known you since once upon a time! we've had great times this year, and the years are just gonna get better ahead. i'm for sure looking forward to them.

there's also the amazing friends who've always stood by me along the way since the last years of high school.. helping me get thru life and studies and guys (haha). my spm results wouldnt have been this way if it wasnt for you guys. major big huGs for you all. we may not have met much this year due to distance, but '06 will be different! i'll make sure of it. =D

ohh and not forgetting the super friends i've got to know this year who're as crazily wacky as i can ever hope my (then) new friends to be.. there's the genius, and the nicecrazy girl, the rest of the masscomm gang, the prima gang.. you guys have made this year a great year for me. and i'm especially missing my other sisters including a new sista on the list! cant wait for many more years ahead with you peeps.

last but not least, there's the crazy friends who i love but rarely get to see anymore.. my pinkcrazy partner in crime.. my 'darling' who's so sweet it's enough to make your teeth ache.. the little kiddos in tennis (mickey mouse here ey?).. the crazy bunch of tennis freaks.. the OTHER crazy bunch of band freaks.. i miss you guys! we always have so much fun. but it's okay. soon we shall meet.

you guys mean the world to me. nothing will ever get in between our crazy friendship. heehee. huGs all the way into the new year and for many years ahead!

***

and while we're on the topic, i love my family loads. as much times as i can use the phrase 'love so much', it will never be enough to express how much i love them.

my pa, who's done so much for me so i can be where i am now (although it isnt very far yet, but will be soon enough).. who's worked so hard so we'd be able to enjoy all pleasures in life and to experience everything in the world.. thank you so much. i wont disappoint you.

my mie, who's been a mother, sister, best friend, counselor, supporter.. everything under the sun. i dont have to say anything, coz i know you understand..

my baby brother, the guy i absolutely love most in the entire world.. you're such a big guy now. whatever happened to the little boy i could always show off to? i'm so proud of you, you little bugger. dont have too much fun without me back home, now.

love love love you all.

***

*siGh.

oneyear. twelvemonths. threehundredandsixtyfivedays. yeartwothousandfive.

what a year.

firsts in this year?
>> my hair was done for the first time by a stylist/someone other than my mother, who's been doing my hair ever since i was born. and this time, i rebonded it. perfectly straight. =DD
>> i skipped a lecture. a few lectures, in fact. voluntarily. yo, whatever happened to ms goody two shoes? ahaha.. still here lah. those were just a few lectures with no content in it.
>> travelled alone in kl in the evening/night for two full freaking hours! ktm from subang-midvalley, metrobus21 from midvalley-vistaprima. daymn that was long.
>> learnt two languages. okay not fully learnt la, but at least a bit. learnt to speak indo and learnt to read korean. =) indo so i can proudly show off to debs when i finally see her; and korean so.. *ahem. i can rain. ahaha.. nolah. learning languages are actually very fun. and very useful.
>> worked! never worked before in my entire life. and this time at some big company somemore. was so nervous before i started. lol.
>> lived alone. i used to be so scared of the dark. toilet breaks in the middle of late night studying usually required a 'ivaaannn.. come outside for a while teman meeee.. so darkkk.. but i need to go toilet.. you stand outside can already. even better, sing. i dont mind. i wont say anything one. eh eh! DONT TURN OFF THE LIGHT! OIII! SO DARK!' ahaha. yeah. and to think. i lived alone at some point of this year. but i'm stronger now. heehee.
>> went for cell! at subang! it's been fun. i'm looking forward to next year. =)
>> driven a car. seriously. i've never done it before till this year. and i passed on my first test. *smug grin. so damn proud of it. too bad i still havent passed my parental license yet though ahaha..
>> experienced an earthquake. well it was just either the after-effects or a really minor one.. but it was real scary. not an experience i wanna repeat.
>> cooked an entire meal! anyone wanna try my 'famous' potayto wedges and brinjals and fried rice? ahahaaa.. please place your orders before i get back to miri/kl and i shall work on it. HAHA.
>> went to a church other than a Catholic church. it's been interesting. :)
and most importantly,
>> i got closer to God than i believe i've ever been in my entire life. thank You so much.

wahlao eh. i realise i have a lot of firsts this year. that's why it's been a different year. ehehe.. i still have many more to add to the list tho, but well. this is a long enough post as it is. hehe.

then there's the japboy, the senget, the monkey, the nofashionsense, the.. AHAHA i cant even remember all. but nvm. they're all nothing. just something for me to put up so i can laugh it off in the future.

last but not least, there's also the oneicantforget. time just flew by so fast, it's hard to imagine it's already been more than two years. there's nothing i can do but wait.. and hope that the new year would bring better prospects than it did this year. i praypraypray that these sixmonths would do me good. i really cant take it anymore. it's been turbulent in '05 for that little part of my life. at times fine, at times dreadful. there was a point i really thought i was alright, but it seems i was just lying to myself.. so now, i'm not gonna lie any longer. i'm sure of my feelings, so i just have to wait for it to slowly fade away.. coz i know that those feelings are only for a being who no longer exists. and i also know that the Lord would give me grace to see this through..

so there. my 2005 in a nutshell.

i guess i've probably grown up more in this year than i did last year. i cant say if i'm a better person coz i still feel i havent done good enough.. but that would have to go in the 'new year's resolution' folder. but i really hope i would be. =) so i would also be a better servant and do whatever He intends for me to do without fail.

there. guess it's time to let go now. bye to '05, hello to '06. here's where the ends meet.

may everyone have a blessed new year ahead!

@ 11:58 PM