the beautiful liar.

it never fails to keep me wondering: how you ever managed to lie so beautifully?

all that you ever said, all your promises. all beautiful, sweet lies. everything that i fell for. you're real good, eh?

i mean, it must be all lies. it couldnt have been real. if it was, i wouldnt be in this sick predicament now, would i?

you see, i actually believed everything. from the beginning till the end. of course, back then i didnt think there was an ending at all. to tell the truth, now i wonder.. why didnt i even think there was an ending? what a silly fool i must have been. i'll bet you were laughing all the way ey? how funny it must've been to watch me.

i guess back then i was just being the hopeless romantic that i was. the whole happily-ever-after scene.. the soulmates that shall never part no matter what.. the riding off into the sunset.. i think i watched and read too much romance. come to think of it, i think i still do.

but i couldnt have helped it. you were like a dream come true. better, even. i felt i was trapped in an endless fantasy. where dreams go on forever and you'll never wake up.

of course, i did finally wake up, two years ago. i woke up and realized that i wont be having the same dream no more. and now, i realize that when i woke up, i left my heart behind too. i only have my mind left to remind me of it.

i think that's why i didnt cry much. i couldnt feel, so how could i cry? i have no more feeling left in me. all that i feel now comes from my head, not my heart.

the only heart i have left is the one that beats, that keeps my blood going. i dont know of any other heart.

maybe that's why i love sad, sweet, romantic korean dramas. they remind me of sweet dreams. yet, they remind me of what i no longer have, which hurts too. what a contradiction. i never fail to amaze myself.

but i guess the main reason's coz there's hot guys aplenty to watch ey? especially like my rain. so it keeps my mind off other things, at least for a while.

two years. geez. what a freak. i got a piece of advice from a really really great friend the other day, one who understands my situation more than anyone else i know:
'they say you need a period of at least 6 months where you neither see/contact that person. during these 6 months, you're supposed to purge your life of everything that reminds you of them.'

you know what? maybe i should. i was so stupid before as to think you really meant what you said. 'once a friend, always a friend'? yeah sure. my huge ass. and i mean that literally too. teehee.

so yeah. i cant believe myself then. every time i saw you, i tried. i worked hard. 'friends', i believed. i tried, and i got the cold shoulder, and i ended up getting hurt. and yet i tried again. and again. i never stopped trying. even when i didnt see you, i'd still try. and what did you do? you, the one who came up with the whole 'friends' thing in the first place? let me tell you what you did.. you did nothing. all you did was change into someone i dont even know.

i really want to hate you, but since i no longer have a heart, i guess i cant do that now, can i? so as of now, RIGHT NOW, i officially promise myself.. i do not want to have anything to do with you for six months. six years, even. if that's possible.

i mean, how hard can it be? i dont have a heart.

geez. who am i kidding? even as i type the words i know it's not gonna happen. not in a million years. the minute i see even a strand of your hair, i'm bound to try. and get hurt all over again. yeah, i'm that stupid. i never learn from my mistakes.

sighhh.. yeah i'm still waiting. waiting and praying. praying and waiting. i'm not complaining. it's just that sometimes.. i keep thinking. and hurting. and wishing. i mean, you cant exactly expect to wait yet not feel pain, could you? like if you fall off a bike and cut yourself on your knee.. sure, you'd cover the wound and all. but yet, it still hurts. it hurts whenever you walk. it hurts whenever you move. and there's nothing that you can do but wait. same thing.

but anyways. i'm going to try the sixmonths thing anyway and hope that it works. at least better than not trying.

sigh.

how did i ever get myself into this?

@ 9:34 PM