i promise myself.

six months.. i really have to do it. i really have to..

i'm not going to blow it as easily as i did the last time. i simply cannot do that. but it's so difficult.. it's an arduous test to willpower. and if you really know me, you'll know that willpower's just not my cup of tea. *siGh. what am i to do?

how much more hurt do i have to go through before it finally ends? just tell me how much more so at least there's something i can look forward to..

recently i've taken on a new hobby: reliving the past. okay, not exactly RELIVING though i wish i could.. but of course, not the WHOLE past. just the nicer parts. but anyway, let's not digress. it's more like i've been going through past painful memories (yeah i know. sadistic, aint it? dont i just love adding more salt to the wound?) but i cant help it. i mean, i've hurt so much that i feel i cant possibly hurt more. maybe trying to come a bit closer to reality's what i really need. a blow to the head. *pow. well, it aint working yet. i keep trying to summon horrible memories so that i'll be able to just let it go and finally stop hurting.. but i cant. all i do is just hurt more. and regret.

ahh regret. that's the biggest part of it all. the what ifs, the if onlys.. that brings the worst feeling of all. oh but there's another big part. somewhere up there right next to regret. it's the foolishness of it all. the how stupid can a person be's, the you're such an ass for being hurt for something as trivial as that's.. you know. the whole works.

aggggggggggh.

do you know how pissed i am at myself?

who's as stupid as to make themselves feel more hurt, right? no one's that dumb. everyone wants to be happy. i want to be happy. THEN WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

i'm bloody pissed. every time i break a promise to myself like the silly mistake i did a few days back, i feel as though i'm watching myself from afar. like i'm just sitting there watching myself while i go through the motions of being oddly happy and screwing up at the same time. it's like i cant do anything to stop it; all i can do is watch. and THEN i'd feel all bad about it and down and everything else depressing you can think of. well to tell the truth, when it happened, i was actually GLAD. i was unexplainably (inexplainably?) HAPPY. and i think that's the part that annoys me the most.

what is wrong with me?

@ 2:51 PM