it suddenly dawned upon me how some things are meant to be and how some will just never be.

add a great song plus a feeling of revelation and what do you get? joanne all emo and ready to burst with so many things to say that no one'll ever understand.

i'm not sure if this is the real thing or not, but i really feel like it is - this time.

i've finally come to understand how all things happen for a reason. how everything may seem bleak and dark for a period of time, but there's always gonna be light at the end of the tunnel, even if it proves hard to believe at the time. how you've gotta keep holding on and staying strong, until finally the grey clouds pass and eventually reveal what has been waiting for you all along.

i've always believed myself to be an optimist, but i guess i've just been lying to myself all along - on one very big issue, at least. an issue that's consumed the better part of me, kept me holed up in misery and not allowing myself to enjoy the happiness i deserved.

for years i've lived in the regret of letting go what i believed i shouldnt have. i've lived in the hope that life has many surprises in store for us; and that one of them would return to me the most precious thing i've ever lost. i've lived in a state of constant confusion and pain and heartache.

definitely not the best years of my life.

but now, i cant even begin to describe how wonderful life is. i look back on what i've lost and it hits me hard when i suddenly realize that it has resulted in things finally falling into place. lost parts have found the pieces they've been missing all along: lives have been brought together and new meaning is brought into life.

[i know i'm not making a lot of sense coz it's all just personal stuff; but i just gotta get it out of me and out into the open away from my system.]

and of course, there's always gonna be that hint of regret there; that sense of loss. they say you never forget your first love, regardless of how it turned out to be. i know mine was truly real, at least on my part, which probably resulted in all those years of regret. i probably will never know the whole story - i'll just remember all those years spent wishing so terribly that i did; almost resulting in horribly embarassing instances which i sure as hell am glad i never got the guts to follow through. and i most definitely will never know what might have been - i'll just remember that it's just a feeling of the past and i have no desire to think of it ever again; too much pain have been involved in this hoping for what might have been.

it'll always be a part of me, that is without a doubt. but just as how i'm learning that it happened for a reason, i know i'll learn how to let go too, with time. and i know i've said this many times before in an attempt to convince myself that finally, i'm letting go.. but this time i know it's certain.

how can i not learn to let go when i've got the greatest gift from God who understands me so well and has guided me to believe that love does equal happiness after all?

now i know for certain. things do happen for a reason. you lose one thing to gain something better. some things are meant to be how they are so that other better things can happen.. and in this case, everyone end up happy.

* * * * *

baby, thank you for everything we've gone through all this time. the ups, the downs.. life is never easy, and we've gone through a hell of a tough ride for a pair such as ourselves. fate crossed our paths, literally, and i have God to thank for that. however, i have you to thank for caring, guiding, and loving me so much although i know i have never been easy with my frequent emo outbursts which obviously generally come from the one reason that i have just cleared.

it without a doubt is fate. soulmates. best friends. twins =)

i love you. here's to the life ahead:


i wandered through fiction
to look for the truth
buried beneath all the lies.

and i stood at a distance
to feel who you are
hiding myself in your eyes.

and hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

now the risk that might break you
's the one that would say,
"a life you don't live is still lost."

so stand on the edge with me
hold back your fear and see
nothing is real til it's gone.

and hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

so live like you mean it
and love til you feel it
it's all that we need in our lives.

so stand on the edge with me
hold back your fear and see
nothing is real til it's gone.

hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

and hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

it's all that we need in our lives
it's all that i need in my life..
- goo goo dolls, "before it's too late"


baby, this is going on our soundtrack. =D *mwahs. thank you for everything.

now i just cant wait to see you again!

@ 2:15 AM