suffocated.

i'm suddenly overwhelmed with a truckload of emotions; with fear and worry taking the lead.

i guess you could say i'm usually pretty proud with myself for having a plan - my plan of how i'm gonna continue after i'm done with uni. work for a while hopefully in singapore (or anywhere out of malaysia, for that matter); then after i've earned enough, maybe start my own post-production studio complete with avid worksystems. a pretty tentative plan you could say, but hey, at least it's something. it may (or may not) be a reality, but it's something to keep me going and motivated.

yet now.. i'm suddenly feeling so lost. as though i've lost track of where i'm going. i'm so worried. i feel like somehow, i just might not be able to do it. there's so many people out there with ambition, so many with even more determination.. better yet, more with skill and talent.. who's to say i can even come close to landing my dreams? i suddenly feel unworthy of even having such big dreams - especially when this nagging feeling at the back of my mind keeps telling me i wont be able to do it.

i hate all this negative moments i keep getting every once in a while. pisses the shit off me.

and i hate how i only seem to get so personal with blogging. i know i think too much a lot; it's one of my especially horrible traits.. but i just cant seem to help it. i may have given up creative writing a long time ago after i finally admitted to myself how horribly uncreative i am, but writing these random, personal, usually bodoh thoughts i always have seem to liberate me somehow. kinda like how intellectual people love spouting their heavy opinions on just about everything intelligent they can get their hands on - not that i would know; i'm way below that level.

but i digress.

see? i'm distracted already. i'm feeling a lot better now. i hope.

no, wait, i'm not. i'm back to being reminded of how little i'm actually thinking of myself right now.

i feel so unproductive. so useless. i feel like i'm not living life to the fullest.

*big sigh.

i need a looong moment of introspection.

i need my sayang.

@ 9:48 PM