i feel old.
a week and 19 years of being in this world!i cant say that i've seen much, compared to so many people out there, and since there's so many things to see and know; but i daresay i've seen enough for me to know how real this world is.
there's the simple things in life, such as how much we grow over time and how we realize every little bit of it as we look back. how it's funny to look at our different levels of maturity at different points of life and laugh at them. how we understand that what we want and hope for now may not be the same as it is in the future. how we learn to understand things better and how we begin to forgive more easily. how people always say we would learn from our mistakes and that time heals everything - and we'd scoff at them by thinking they'd never understand, but after a while we realize that they've been right all along.
then there's the slightly more complicated things like how we deal with the world; the people and everything else in it. how we realize that some people really do mature but somehow, some would never grow up. how some are truly sincere in all that they do, yet some are hypocrites right down to the end. how we yearn to be the best person that we can be; and we try, though of course not always perfectly, as we are only human after all. how there are so many different kinds of people in the world, and that all we have to do is just understand them and why they do the things they do, and we'll finally see things from a clearer perspective.
of course, there's also more complicating things like how the world is real, and therefore shouldnt be viewed at through rose-coloured glasses (but of course, it isnt wrong to idealize once every so often just so long as you understand the depths of the actual world). how some things are just not meant to be and some are - but most of the time it is with a perfectly good reason why they are so, because that is what the Lord does for us. it's like fate; yet also like a path in life that the hand of the Lord guides us through, and all we have to do is trust in Him, no matter what.
obviously, there are many more, but all these are just thoughts that pop up randomly, at random times. of course, i dont claim to know everything there is to know about the world, coz if i do i'd be the happiest person on earth to be able to understand the way life and things work. especially how the human mind works and how there are so many ways of working it! ahaha.. if i had a greater love for reading heavy stuff, i probably wouldnt have minded taking human psychology. but damn. just the thought of all those thick books filled with theories and principles.. eek. =)
but anyway. i digress once again. ahaha..
so there. there's just so many things to understand that as we grow, we slowly learn. and we feel old, just as i am right now. =D
geez. it's such a wonder how the mind matures with time and experience. we dont realize it happening, but it does. and only when we've the time to ponder it over, that's when we realize how much we've grown. (and, of course, what a kid we were before too. ahaha..)
experiences - all good and bad - add to make us the person we are now. of course, it's already been written in theory (now let me try to find a source for that when i've got the time) but it's probably true. i know, i know. it's a fact that everyone knows.. but then, things do take on a new light when you start to really think about it.
experiences shape us. nevertheless, there's still the idea of 'understanding'. the idea of how well we actually understand our experiences and whether they are really as how we see them, or if we've got them the wrong way. it's important because that's what lead us to do what we do. but of course, it's a subjective matter. two conflicting ideas might be 'right' to different people, so the line between right and wrong is unclear once again. therefore it all lies in the understanding. understanding the matter from different views, understanding where we stand on it.. well, basically just 'understanding', or our experiences wouldnt teach us much in any sense.
i look at myself; i look all around. experiences are what shape us to become what we are now. however, that is not the main factor. the element that plays the biggest part in who we have become - is ourselves. experiences are just ingredients of the mix. we are still the main factor that determine how we want the end product to be. therefore, we decide what we want our experiences to teach us; how we want ourselves to become. of course, we'd want to be a better person, but who's the judge of that? different people have different views on being 'better'. but in the end, it's all in how you look at it yourself.
ironically though, there are still those who've taken experiences in a bizarre way; i cant even define how. you just cant seem to determine whether they've learnt from their experiences, or if they're still living in the past. maybe they've yet to understand, maybe there's more they havent seen. it's as though they're still stuck in limbo, unsure of how to take the next step forward.
then again, that is probably part of the learning experience too. learning to 'grow up'.
*sigh. all this talk of growing up's making me feel old. i dont wanna growwwwwww.. i wanna stay where i am now or at least reverse the growth process, if that's possible. go back to ten years ago when life was all hee-hee-ha-ha and simple and i wouldnt know shit to write about what i did just now. lol. that'd be fun.
on the other hand, i cant wait to work either! ahahaaaa.. i'm such a contradictory ass. but really though, i cant. working at cnbc with andrea they all being so nice to me probably spoiled me to the actual terrors of working, and that working life isnt as idealized as i imagine it (or everything else) to be. but heck. i really cant wait, no matter what.
whee.
what a super long post for someone who rarely blogs already huh? lol. i guess it's to make up for all the previously missing posts then. it's my 19year1week old essay! teehee.
ohh ohh ohh..! okay okay fine. enough with the heavy talk. i've got people to thank here. =D
to my family and all my friends, you guys are the BEST!! seriously, family and friends are the greatest gift God has ever given to every single person in the world. so of course, thank You God!! ehehe..
now why the sudden realization? 'tis not sudden, i say. i've always been thankful for family and friends, and how great they are and all things special.. but now i know that they are also the best things to ever happen in life, and that they are everlasting (aww.. now i'm starting to sound like some phrase out of a primary 6 autograph book, but it's true.) =)
so there i was, a week ago the night before my birthday. i was doing my markers assignment (which i have now finally finished, after so many weeks. lol.) on the dining table. chiam wasnt in, coz she said that she had to go over to carol's for something, while shinki was off in penang coz it was their holiday week.
i was a little depressed then; both for the fact that it was going to be the first birthday that i wasnt celebrating with my family and also coz i had a little problem going on that day.
suddenly, about a bit before 1200am if i'm not mistaken, there was a chorus of girls singing 'happy birthday' as they entered through the front door. i glanced at the first girl carrying the cake; she was kinda familiar-looking, but i cant quite place who. as i couldnt recognize her, i assumed she was probably chiam's new friend, i dunno, from church or sth. i then glimpsed at the second girl. hrm. pretty familiar too but i dont think i know her! of all things surprising, this was definitely it. i didnt quite get how chiam would bring people i didnt know to surprise me on my birthday. so i looked at the other two girls following behind.. and only then it dawned on me..
chan, tracy, cheryl, sin mei!!
i was rendered speechless for at least.. i dont know. about a few hours after that? ahaha.. i couldnt recognize my ngiauchi po and tracy at first! it was so shocking that of all the things i expected, i truly did not expect them to suddenly appear through my doorway carrying my birthday cake. it was really unexpected.
i mean, i havent seen all of them since chinese new year. and although subang and puchong's not that far away from each other, if you really think of it, it's always hard to visit coz if one side's free, the other isnt and vice versa. so daymn. it was a super great birthday surprise for sure.
zhan wei called, and apparently he was supposed to come too but i think the cab didnt fit. ahaha.. but i was still happy anyway. =D
then as we all ate cake - with me still shocked and speechless from the sight of my subang and highschool hunnies actually BEING in my LIVING ROOM in VISTA PRIMA, PUCHONG - another unexpected surprise in the form of aaron, max, chua and jackee appeared at the front door. i seriously havent seen them in a long time too as i used to see most of them almost every day last semester, so it was definitely another pleasant surprise.
*siGhs. it was like one surprise after another.
so the subang dahlings all stayed over that night, and it was living room war zone. ahaha.. mattresses were all out in the living room and catching ups everywhere.. =) it was SO good.. like back in highschool once again. *sniffs. i was so happy.
then my auntie jenny and uncle and the bugger called me early the next morning too.. and also confirmed that i'm going to penang this weekend! so everything's great now.. and when we all finally woke up we went for some karaoke-ing.. and daymn. it was fun. joey = addicted. not good. ahahaa.. not good especially if the equation's also 'terribly lousy singer'+'love to sing' coz that would equal 'OH NO'. =D
ahahaa.. but in all, it was definitely one of the best birthdays i've had in aGes! and the one of the best surprises too.
family and friends are the ultimate best. i love love all of you guys so muchhhhhh! dont know what i'd do without you guys. and for this birthday, xoxo to my subang highschool dahlings who came all the way over and especially to chiamie who planned it all a month ago! daymn. i didnt even have a tiny INKLING of it going to happen. ehehe.. mwahs. and also to everyone who msged and called and visited, hugs and thanks so much to you guys too! love every single one of you to bits. friends are definitely priceless and forever, no matter what.
and thus ends the longest post i've had in a long time too. ahaha.. till next time, ciao. have a great day ppls! and a great holiday to me too coz it's holiday week and i'm going to penang this thursday!
whee.
oh and erm. pics later. rushing to finish asgmts now so see if i have time first later. =)
