happy anniversary and a half, love!

thank you so much for putting up with all of my craziness all this while.

i love you kaluthanthrige don sajith chamara jayaweera!

*mwahs. <3

@ 3:30 PM 0 Comments

i just want to be happy!

@ 12:05 AM 0 Comments

suffocated.

i'm suddenly overwhelmed with a truckload of emotions; with fear and worry taking the lead.

i guess you could say i'm usually pretty proud with myself for having a plan - my plan of how i'm gonna continue after i'm done with uni. work for a while hopefully in singapore (or anywhere out of malaysia, for that matter); then after i've earned enough, maybe start my own post-production studio complete with avid worksystems. a pretty tentative plan you could say, but hey, at least it's something. it may (or may not) be a reality, but it's something to keep me going and motivated.

yet now.. i'm suddenly feeling so lost. as though i've lost track of where i'm going. i'm so worried. i feel like somehow, i just might not be able to do it. there's so many people out there with ambition, so many with even more determination.. better yet, more with skill and talent.. who's to say i can even come close to landing my dreams? i suddenly feel unworthy of even having such big dreams - especially when this nagging feeling at the back of my mind keeps telling me i wont be able to do it.

i hate all this negative moments i keep getting every once in a while. pisses the shit off me.

and i hate how i only seem to get so personal with blogging. i know i think too much a lot; it's one of my especially horrible traits.. but i just cant seem to help it. i may have given up creative writing a long time ago after i finally admitted to myself how horribly uncreative i am, but writing these random, personal, usually bodoh thoughts i always have seem to liberate me somehow. kinda like how intellectual people love spouting their heavy opinions on just about everything intelligent they can get their hands on - not that i would know; i'm way below that level.

but i digress.

see? i'm distracted already. i'm feeling a lot better now. i hope.

no, wait, i'm not. i'm back to being reminded of how little i'm actually thinking of myself right now.

i feel so unproductive. so useless. i feel like i'm not living life to the fullest.

*big sigh.

i need a looong moment of introspection.

i need my sayang.

@ 9:48 PM 2 Comments

finally closer to settling most of the stuff on my to-do list back home. haihs.

tired.

had mie's laksa yesterday.. *drools. been missing it sooo much! nothing can ever come close..





also been having loads of jackfruit since i've been home; wishing sayang was here to enjoy 'em too :(



on a completely different note, our water tap by the car porch broke this morning. baby bro fixed it o_O with some ordering around by the big boss herself of course, but still. heheh..






big boss and baby brother: plumbers for the day.


yours truly: umbrella holder!

bleh. nothing too interesting. have resorted to taking pics of everything! eeps. turning more pathetic each day. extreme boredom hath taken over - notice the lil avatar with my current mood? hahah. aaaaghh..

countdown: five days. (i miss you..)

@ 10:15 PM 0 Comments

i keep thinking: eight days to go.

i know i should be enjoying my time back home since i wont be home as much anymore in the future.. but i cant help it! i keep missing sayang so much. so much to the point that home even feels different, somehow. and i know i shouldnt be complaining because at least i'll be back with sayang in about a week; unlike theing and ian (who just left this morning for perth) who prolly have half a year before finally meeting again. so who am i to complain? i wish i could just shake off this horrible nagging feeling at the back of my head that keeps reminding me of perth next year..

and since i've been home, i havent even had time to go look for my sayangs in miri coz i've been tied down with stuff like settling my curtin details, flight bookings, etc etc. plus been trying to spend time with mie as much as possible too to make up for the few short weeks i'm home.. *sigh. am gonna have to make more plans with the sayangs for next week; hopefully i've settled more stuff by then. =(

ooh. and i finally got my driver's license today! hahah. but one i probably will never use since i barely drive. bleh.

soo.. okays gotta go. sending ivan out; dinner with mie tonight. ohh and i hope sayang's interview went well..

@ 5:36 PM 0 Comments

i still cant get enough of this ever since ian first showed it to me weeks ago. can play it over and over again without getting sick of it. hope everyone enjoys it! heehee. =) whatever~!

@ 7:18 PM 0 Comments

how anyone can handle long distance relationships is beyond me.

i'm currently on the brink of sanity - how on earth am i going to go through with perth the whole of next year when barely two weeks is already so horrible?

times like this i wish sayang and i werent together 24/7 before; so at least it'd make this all the more easier to bear. but then again, that option's out too coz even being apart from sayang for a while no matter how far the distance's already bad enough.

haihs.

am i being too clingy? dependent? obsessive? possesive? i hope not.. =( i especially loathe girls like that. but what if i'm turning into one of them? what's more, people say you only hate those that remind you most of yourself.

aghh i dont knowww..

i just know i miss sayang so muchhh.. so frustrated now. feel so tied down, so empty. phone calls and instant messages just dont quite cut it. :"( *tears. finally understanding the meaning of "you complete me".

this sucks.

i miss sayang!


i need my happyness.

@ 2:19 PM 0 Comments

federer won! again!

okay, next news. =)

nothing new actually. went to collect my driver's license this morning coz my P one finally expired on 07/07/07. wasnt sure how the procedure went, so i guess i'm gonna have to get back to JPJ again tomorrow. so much hassle for something i probably wont ever use hahah. i havent drove since i've been back.

on a slightly heavier note: had a soul-baring session with one of the persons i love and adore more than anything else in the world. needless to say, i'm feeling a lot more relieved and happy. and extremely light. =)

oh, and i've just seen the transformers trailer again. i cant help it. i feel like tearing everytime i do. it's just so beautiful.. i adore michael bay. who wants to watch transformers again with me? heheh..

@ 3:12 PM 1 Comments

wimbledon 2007: defending champion king of grass vs king of clay?

game's on now. dibs on federer as usual. thought it was pretty rude of nadal to be doing his 'i'm-a-superstar-i'll-make-everyone-wait-for-me' thing before the coin toss. o_O

currently 4-3 on star sports! i keep bugging mie and ivan by telling them the online live results which are slightly faster. :D

laters.

@ 9:21 PM 0 Comments

ahh.. backbreakingly refreshing. tennis all morning + laksa after = perfect. heheh.. been pretty busy lately what with following the mommie to the courts everyday and then hitting some balls. at least the stamina's getting better. slowly, but surely anyway =)

and thank god for tennis; with all the food i've been having since i've been home, i'll be getting three times my current size soon! O_O hahah..


some umai that my mom's cousin made. I'VE BEEN MISSING THIS SO MUCH! not as great as my uncle's, but still. good enough. =)


laksa at krokop. *drools. i cant wait for mie's laksa but this'll do for now..


roti john from burger sam at perwira next to ming cafe.


some 'chang' that we got coz we somehow didnt get any during the chang festival the other day. (i do realize that this lone chang does somewhat look pretty pathetic hahah..)


mie's awesome pork liver soup with ginger. may not look like much, but tastes.. *slurps. =D

@ 12:49 PM 1 Comments

ahhh i'm soo tired. i've got a looong thin line of a red scar on my left leg, my muscles are aching EVERYWHERE, and i'm still recovering from my flu from a while back.

but otherwise, it's been a great morning. productive, to say the least.

i woke up early for some tennis with the mommie and ooh it felt so GOOD. never mind the fact that my stamina's worse than ever from the simple fact that i havent been doing any proper sports in the past six months o_O but it's still a good feeling. hahah.. at least i'm getting my lazybum up and running.

so. argh. life has still been pretty monotonous. just been chilling at all home day doing nothing.. going to the courts.. usual stuff. wish my sayang were here =(

@ 11:40 AM 1 Comments

it suddenly dawned upon me how some things are meant to be and how some will just never be.

add a great song plus a feeling of revelation and what do you get? joanne all emo and ready to burst with so many things to say that no one'll ever understand.

i'm not sure if this is the real thing or not, but i really feel like it is - this time.

i've finally come to understand how all things happen for a reason. how everything may seem bleak and dark for a period of time, but there's always gonna be light at the end of the tunnel, even if it proves hard to believe at the time. how you've gotta keep holding on and staying strong, until finally the grey clouds pass and eventually reveal what has been waiting for you all along.

i've always believed myself to be an optimist, but i guess i've just been lying to myself all along - on one very big issue, at least. an issue that's consumed the better part of me, kept me holed up in misery and not allowing myself to enjoy the happiness i deserved.

for years i've lived in the regret of letting go what i believed i shouldnt have. i've lived in the hope that life has many surprises in store for us; and that one of them would return to me the most precious thing i've ever lost. i've lived in a state of constant confusion and pain and heartache.

definitely not the best years of my life.

but now, i cant even begin to describe how wonderful life is. i look back on what i've lost and it hits me hard when i suddenly realize that it has resulted in things finally falling into place. lost parts have found the pieces they've been missing all along: lives have been brought together and new meaning is brought into life.

[i know i'm not making a lot of sense coz it's all just personal stuff; but i just gotta get it out of me and out into the open away from my system.]

and of course, there's always gonna be that hint of regret there; that sense of loss. they say you never forget your first love, regardless of how it turned out to be. i know mine was truly real, at least on my part, which probably resulted in all those years of regret. i probably will never know the whole story - i'll just remember all those years spent wishing so terribly that i did; almost resulting in horribly embarassing instances which i sure as hell am glad i never got the guts to follow through. and i most definitely will never know what might have been - i'll just remember that it's just a feeling of the past and i have no desire to think of it ever again; too much pain have been involved in this hoping for what might have been.

it'll always be a part of me, that is without a doubt. but just as how i'm learning that it happened for a reason, i know i'll learn how to let go too, with time. and i know i've said this many times before in an attempt to convince myself that finally, i'm letting go.. but this time i know it's certain.

how can i not learn to let go when i've got the greatest gift from God who understands me so well and has guided me to believe that love does equal happiness after all?

now i know for certain. things do happen for a reason. you lose one thing to gain something better. some things are meant to be how they are so that other better things can happen.. and in this case, everyone end up happy.

* * * * *

baby, thank you for everything we've gone through all this time. the ups, the downs.. life is never easy, and we've gone through a hell of a tough ride for a pair such as ourselves. fate crossed our paths, literally, and i have God to thank for that. however, i have you to thank for caring, guiding, and loving me so much although i know i have never been easy with my frequent emo outbursts which obviously generally come from the one reason that i have just cleared.

it without a doubt is fate. soulmates. best friends. twins =)

i love you. here's to the life ahead:


i wandered through fiction
to look for the truth
buried beneath all the lies.

and i stood at a distance
to feel who you are
hiding myself in your eyes.

and hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

now the risk that might break you
's the one that would say,
"a life you don't live is still lost."

so stand on the edge with me
hold back your fear and see
nothing is real til it's gone.

and hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

so live like you mean it
and love til you feel it
it's all that we need in our lives.

so stand on the edge with me
hold back your fear and see
nothing is real til it's gone.

hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

and hold on, before it's too late
we'll run til we leave this behind
don't fall, just be who you are
it's all that we need in our lives.

it's all that we need in our lives
it's all that i need in my life..
- goo goo dolls, "before it's too late"


baby, this is going on our soundtrack. =D *mwahs. thank you for everything.

now i just cant wait to see you again!

@ 2:15 AM 2 Comments

i've been home for two days; and already i'm getting restless. not that i've gone out much in miri town itself lah, it's mostly still just the tennis courts and all.. but i have a feeling it's gonna be a pretty long three weeks.




did my hair this morning. got a haircut and straightened it out a bit - was getting too wild for me to handle heheh.. not much of a change; just how i like it, coz it's no longer as poofy anymore =D

BEFORE


AFTER


nothing new here; will post once i do something interesting or get too bored. =)

@ 9:20 PM 0 Comments

i am home.



sleeping soon; mass tomorrow early morning. missing sayang already =(

@ 12:01 AM 2 Comments