'05 in retrospect.
a year came, a year passed.
...
i dont even know what to make of it - it's been a pretty.. different, year.
different in a sense that i've broken away from all that i held familiar to for the past, what, how many years? almost the rest of my life. different because i was leaving miri, going to college, living on my own, starting work.. it's all been exhilarating. so exhilarating, in fact, that the year just flew by. without me realizing it at all.
a year ago i was
not without nerves. spm's just ended, college life looming ahead.. who knew what the future would bring? i was scared and excited.
now, i'm doing what i didnt even think i would be doing then. i
have a job with a prominent news channel in singapore.. i've
completed my foundation in mass comm with actually fairly not bad grades.. most importantly, i actually have my
future all planned and laid out in front of me - something i never realized i would do. and even if i never fall thru with it (i mean, c'mon, you never know what's gonna happen in the future, do you? what if i end up
marrying rain and becoming his manager instead? hahaha. okay i was kidding on that one), the important fact is i actually have an aim RIGHT NOW. and that's what drives you to work harder.
it's funny, really. a year ago i believed i wasnt as good as any of my friends. all for the reason that i felt i didnt have a goal in life, a dream i wanted to achieve. when i looked at them back then, i was
envious. they all seemed like they knew what they wanted to do. get a scholarship, finish a-levels, get a degree someplace, become a doctor/lawyer/engineer/pharmacist/whatevershytelse.. i, on the other hand, i felt i didnt have anything. i felt like i didnt even have an inkling of what i want to do in the future.
this year has finally put me on
track. i realise i do have a dream after all. i was just too lost to know it before. i look at my friends now, and i'm no longer envious. sure, they said they had dreams. but how many times did they change their minds about it even over the course of this year? no, of course i'm not saying that i'm better than them in any way. they're probably just as lost as i was before. it's just that, people get lost from time to time..
and it's just a matter of time before you finally find yourself.
***
as for friends.. i'm really glad to have friends who've been by me all this while. friends i've known forever, friends i've just met whom i feel i've known forever.. here's a shoutout to you all:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE DEEPEST ENDS OF MY HEART.there's the
oldest best friend who's always been there and never fails to be there.. and has never given up hope on me although i've been such an ass for a couple of (i still remember them) times. i dont know if you know how much i mean it everytime i thank you, but really. thank you so much. i dont even know how to define it.
then there's the
other great friend who i've only recently gotten to know better this year but at times it seems as though i've known you since once upon a time! we've had great times this year, and the years are just gonna get better ahead. i'm for sure looking forward to them.
there's also the
amazing friends who've always stood by me along the way since the last years of high school.. helping me get thru life and studies and guys (haha). my spm results wouldnt have been this way if it wasnt for you guys. major big huGs for you all. we may not have met much this year due to distance, but '06 will be different! i'll make sure of it. =D
ohh and not forgetting the
super friends i've got to know this year who're as crazily wacky as i can ever hope my (then) new friends to be.. there's the genius, and the nicecrazy girl, the rest of the masscomm gang, the prima gang.. you guys have made this year a great year for me. and i'm especially missing my other sisters including a new sista on the list! cant wait for many more years ahead with you peeps.
last but not least, there's the
crazy friends who i love but rarely get to see anymore.. my
pinkcrazy partner in crime.. my 'darling' who's so sweet it's enough to make your teeth ache.. the little kiddos in tennis (mickey mouse here ey?).. the crazy bunch of tennis freaks.. the
OTHER crazy bunch of band freaks.. i miss you guys! we always have so much fun. but it's okay. soon we shall meet.
you guys mean
the world to me. nothing will ever get in between our crazy friendship. heehee. huGs all the way into the new year and for many years ahead!
***
and while we're on the topic, i love my family loads. as much times as i can use the phrase 'love so much', it will never be enough to express how much i love them.
my
pa, who's done so much for me so i can be where i am now (although it isnt very far yet, but will be soon enough).. who's worked so hard so we'd be able to enjoy all pleasures in life and to experience everything in the world.. thank you so much. i wont disappoint you.
my
mie, who's been a mother, sister, best friend, counselor, supporter.. everything under the sun. i dont have to say anything, coz i know you understand..
my
baby brother, the guy i absolutely love most in the entire world.. you're such a big guy now. whatever happened to the little boy i could always show off to? i'm so proud of you, you little bugger. dont have too much fun without me back home, now.
love love love you all.
***
*siGh.
oneyear. twelvemonths. threehundredandsixtyfivedays.
yeartwothousandfive.what a year.
firsts in this year?>> my hair was done for the first time by a stylist/someone other than my mother, who's been doing my hair ever since i was born. and this time, i rebonded it. perfectly straight. =DD
>> i skipped a lecture. a few lectures, in fact. voluntarily. yo, whatever happened to ms goody two shoes? ahaha.. still here lah. those were just a few lectures with no content in it.
>> travelled alone in kl in the evening/night for two full freaking hours! ktm from subang-midvalley, metrobus21 from midvalley-vistaprima. daymn that was long.>> learnt two languages. okay not fully learnt la, but at least a bit. learnt to speak indo and learnt to read korean. =) indo so i can proudly show off to debs when i finally see her; and korean so.. *ahem. i can rain. ahaha.. nolah. learning languages are actually very fun. and very useful.
>> worked! never worked before in my entire life. and this time at some big company somemore. was so nervous before i started. lol.
>> lived alone. i used to be so scared of the dark. toilet breaks in the middle of late night studying usually required a 'ivaaannn.. come outside for a while teman meeee.. so darkkk.. but i need to go toilet.. you stand outside can already. even better, sing. i dont mind. i wont say anything one. eh eh! DONT TURN OFF THE LIGHT! OIII! SO DARK!' ahaha. yeah. and to think. i lived alone at some point of this year. but i'm stronger now. heehee.
>> went for cell! at subang! it's been fun. i'm looking forward to next year. =)
>> driven a car. seriously. i've never done it before till this year. and i passed on my first test. *smug grin. so damn proud of it. too bad i still havent passed my parental license yet though ahaha..
>> experienced an earthquake. well it was just either the after-effects or a really minor one.. but it was real scary. not an experience i wanna repeat.
>> cooked an entire meal! anyone wanna try my 'famous' potayto wedges and brinjals and fried rice? ahahaaa.. please place your orders before i get back to miri/kl and i shall work on it. HAHA.
>> went to a church other than a Catholic church. it's been interesting. :)and most importantly,
>> i got closer to God than i believe i've ever been in my entire life. thank You so much.wahlao eh. i realise i have a lot of firsts this year. that's why it's been a different year. ehehe.. i still have many more to add to the list tho, but well. this is a long enough post as it is. hehe.
then there's the japboy, the senget, the monkey, the nofashionsense, the.. AHAHA i cant even remember all. but nvm. they're all nothing. just something for me to put up so i can laugh it off in the future.
last but not least, there's also
the oneicantforget. time just flew by so fast, it's hard to imagine it's already been more than two years. there's nothing i can do but wait.. and hope that the new year would bring better prospects than it did this year. i praypraypray that these sixmonths would do me good. i really cant take it anymore. it's been turbulent in '05 for that little part of my life. at times fine, at times dreadful. there was a point i really thought i was alright, but it seems i was just lying to myself.. so now, i'm not gonna lie any longer. i'm sure of my feelings, so i just have to wait for it to slowly fade away.. coz i know that those feelings are only for a being who no longer exists. and i also know that the Lord would give me grace to see this through..
so there.
my 2005 in a nutshell.i guess i've probably grown up more in this year than i did last year. i cant say if i'm a better person coz i still feel i havent done good enough.. but that would have to go in the 'new year's resolution' folder. but i really hope i would be. =) so i would also be a better servant and do whatever He intends for me to do without fail.
there. guess it's time to let go now.
bye to '05, hello to '06. here's where the ends meet.
may everyone have a blessed new year ahead!
overdued post for 311205.
the next day.. headed over to chinatown with ai hwee and gang. =)
chinatown.. i like the 'old chinese' feel to it..
..especially this pic. =)
but of course, lunch was good food (pic shown is pork's head - sorry to offend muslims here.. heh.) so we still managed to finish it anyway. *big grin.
i want wafer ice-cream too!
ahh and i did some shopping toooo! got a boho-style dress and a dark brown top. agh. i just remembered i forgot to snap pics of 'em.
so at night it was dinner for new year's. initially planned to go out, but everything got canceled in the last minute due to some ppl being sick. *siGh. so there it was. ushered in the new year accompanied by gurmit singh and michelle chong live on channel5. but it was still with family so it's been a great new year. =)
overdued post for 301205.
been here for weeks but i finally dragged my lazy ass to head down over to the
esplanade today. ehehe that's coz
ai hwee, her family, and uncle&auntie boon came over today! here to celebrate new year's with us over at singapore. =)
the merlion along the esplanade.
heading over to lau pa sat for dinner! yuM.
buRp.
'wha-? you takin' a pic?'
'yo get that outta the way. i dont know if there's food in my teeth now!'
of sony cybershot t5s and whatnot.
a sony
cybershot dsc-t5 = mine. need i say more? =)
check out the
FOCUS on this baby.. *siGh. the
love of my life. how can it be possible to have more than one loves of my life? but it's alright. rain's still
way up there. =)
anyhows. been so busy for the past few days. i love love love my family i
dont want them to go homeeeee.. *sniff.
pics will be up soon.
I FINALLY GOT MY CAMERA SO.. =D *siGh. so very happy. i initially wanted to buy it with my own pay, but my daddieee said he's getting it as my xmas pressie! whee. but i dunno la. still feel like wanna pay him back also. ehehe.. then can feel the hard-earned cash when using my baby.
okay, so pics will be up soon.. and so will my
retrospection for the year 2005. i wonder if i'm a better person? lol. but anyways. cant do that now. gotta rush off to usher in the new yearrr!
a very very very
HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE ESPECIALLY MY ALL MY HUNNIES! *huGs huGs kiSs kiSs. wish all of you are here with me now.. but i guess. we cant have everything, can we?
it's all in the handwriting.
interesting. got this off
char's blog while i'm waiting for something to do in the office..
what does your handwriting say about you?you plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.(ooh. wow. especially the symmetry part! not too sure about the planning ahead tho. hrm. come to think of it, i DO plan ahead. i just dont seem to follow through with it. *big grin.)you are a person who thinks before acting, intelligent and thorough.(i like the sound of it though i'm not entirely sure if it's true. =D)you are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.(i somehow think it's more to overly-expressive till it actually gets to the nerves? but well. it's better to get good stuff. ahaha..)you are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!(this i definitely dont deny. whee.)you enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.(hrmm..)generally sounds good, so i guess i'm okay with it. lol. yeah sure,
ANYTHING would sound okay so long as it's not anything bad, am i not correct? =D
okies i'm falling back to sleep.. slept way too late last night. lol. but nothing work cant cure. am gonna be awake in a few seconds' time. =)
big smiles all the way.
#1 my baby turned out to be all right after all. there was just some problem with my
cd-writing software. *pHew.
#2 my family arrived
todayy!! so very extremely happy. although they only arrived in the afternoon, but still. i'm so happyyyyy~!! baby bro's so huge nowww.. ehehe. and the parents are doing great. yeay.
damn i'm so tired now. i think i getting some sleep now. *yawns. there's still
work tomorrow.
but before that, some picciess! =) good night.
me with the cousin!
me with the mother! :)
orchard rd. yeh i know. the typical xmas orchard scene. so blah. lol.
the family!
me and nice nice baby bro.
me and naughty baby bro.
the father and the cousin!
with the baby bro again. it's a bit blurry but i love this pic. and also my baby bro. eheheeee..
sighs. okie i really gotta go. damnnn tired. ahaha.. gnites~!
*sniff.
my baby. my baby's sick. and i dont know what to do to make him feel better..
my baby cant burn cd's anymore. i guess he's too exhausted from burning too much of my korean dramas..
but what am i ever gonna do now? i cant possibly get a new cdrw/dvd drive! i'm already broke as it is.
i pray pray pray that a miracle would happen and my baby would be alright just fine soon.. pleaseee..
all's good.
*sigh. today sure is a blessed day.
patched things up with an
old friend after some misunderstandings in the past.. so now all's good. the Lord is so
wonderful.i just hope that this time things'll stay the same.. and no more other
misunderstandings.wheee..
bummin'.
oo today is fun. teehee.
woke up at 0230pm just as the mtv video awards was starting to show on tv and is still showing. s'pore channel 5 btw. =) been planting my ass here ever since. with my laptop in front of me. i love technology. it helps me be such a bum.
rediscovered my passion for hiphop/r&b. really, i say, i never seem to have an exact music preference; i just listen to anything. ahahaa not that it matters. i love all music.
<3<3 i just have certain.. phases. at times. ahahahaa.. but emo music still #1 any time! especially asian jiwang.
on a more fun note,
a
MERRY XMAS once again to everybodyyyy!!
hope everyone's having a fabulous time.. be it out having fun or just bumming at home like me. =)
i love holidays.
the family's coming tomorrow! i'm gonna sleep in as late as possible so when i wake up they'd already be here. ahh.. perfection.
okies. now it's back to bumming.
cheers!
merry christmas!!
merry merry christmasto everyone out there!!
*sigh.
it's a great time of the year, aint it?
a love to kill.
my so happily excited mood has been deflated.
finally, after endless hours of waiting, i've finished watching my darling rain's
a love to kill. and i'm not happy. wanna know why?
SPOILER ALERT AHEAD FOR ANYONE WHO PLANS TO WATCH!because they died. in the end. it was such a tragic, sad, love storyyy.. sadder even than romeo and juliet. such sad love.. aghhh.. they wouldnt have died if they didnt separate from each other in the first place; each thinking that it would be the best path for the both of them. their love was so strong that they couldnt endure the separation in the end. i do NOT like sad endings. at ALL. but it was still such a beautiful story anyway.
if somehow i choose a different path in mass comm in the future and think of making movies/dramas instead, i'm going to make as many happy endings as i can. where everyone ends up happy. no one cries, no one dies..
but right now, i'm still so sad.
a love to kill summary..
it started with a guy -
kang bok-gu, a pro fighter who only fights for pride but not for victory. he's had a tough life; his mother left him and his older brother
kang min-gu when they were only children because she couldnt stand their father anymore who was a gangster. their father used to hit
bok-gu every time, but
min-gu would always stick up for his little brother by taking the blows instead. thus,
min-gu was the whole world to
bok-gu.one day, however, when they were much older,
min-gu tried persuading
bok-gu to stop fighting because
bok-gu always got into trouble by fighting with everyone.
bok-gu shot back, saying he couldnt take being looked down upon because of their father's history. they were always bullied by everyone else just because of their father; he said he'll never stop fighting. but
min-gu was persistent. he didnt want to see his brother follow in their fathers' footsteps. in the end, because
bok-gu still wouldnt agree with him,
min-gu decided to break off all their ties. he said that if
bok-gu wanted to continue fighting, then they would no longer be brothers.
and so they stopped contacting each other. for ten years, they each led their separate lives.
bok-gu continued fighting. he grew to be a bitter person; scarred by his past. he had a life, but he had a terrible background, and he knew it. he didnt have respect for his own life. but worst of all, he knew he didnt have his brother, and that was what hurt him the most.
he lived with his friends, and a girlfriend -
han da jeong. she was more a saviour to him because she was the one who got him safe when he was in a terrible fire. from then on, he paid her back by caring for her. she, on her part, loved him more than anyone else could.
one day,
bok-gu finally found his brother. they met up and had a drink on the rooftops of
min-gu's place. however, tragedy befell as
min-gu walked off the ledge of the building while he was staring at movie star
cha eun suk's commercial on a big screen nearby. he ended up becoming a vegetable; not able to talk, not able to think, not able to respond to anything. the doctors said it was a miracle he even woke up due to his injury.
bok-gu was furious. furious at his brother as he felt that
min-gu was doing this to leave him again.
as time went by, pieces of the puzzle slowly pieced themselves together.
bok-gu found out that
min-gu was actually
cha eun suk's boyfriend before she became famous.
min-gu fell to his current predicament because he was looking at an announcement of his beloved
eun suk's engagement with the son of a rich tycoon.
bok-gu assumed that
eun suk left his brother when she became famous and left for someone she thought better. he assumed that she thought his brother was worthless. from then on,
bok-gu vowed revenge. he promised his brother that he would pay back
eun suk the same thing she did to his brother. worse, even.
however, there were things that
bok-gu didnt know.
eun suk was actually very much in love with
min-gu. she looked for him countless times but he was the one who avoided her. it turned out that
eun suk's mother was the one who told him to keep away because she said he was an obstacle in
eun suk's then-just-rising career.
min-gu, loving
eun suk too much to keep her from succeeding, let her go and distanced himself from her.
and so it began.. all misunderstandings. from
eun suk's forced engagement with
kim jung soon.. to
bok-gu becoming her bodyguard in order to avenge his brother's accident.. it was all mistakes from the very beginning.
bok-gu's revenge plan was to make
eun-suk fall in love with him and to hurt her in the end just like he believed she did this brother. he wanted her to remember his brother's sad love story. he wanted her to never forget. he wanted her to hurt just as much as
min-gu was hurting..
however, over the course of his 'pretend' love for
eun suk, bok-gu started to question his doings. he wondered countless times, could it have been a mistake? was he doing something wrong? there might be a different explanation - because the more he got to know
eun suk, the more he realized how innocent she is. her innocent smile, her innocent actions.. he didnt know what to think. worst of all, although he didnt admit it, he was actually starting to fall in love with her.
eun suk, of course, has been attracted to
bok-gu from the very beginning. she fell in love with him.. and although
bok-gu knew deep down, he felt something for her, he still has his mind set on his promise to his brother: to make
eun suk suffer just as his brother did.
so, one day, when
bok-gu was certain that
eun suk was deeply in love with him, he broke up with her. he told her that he was only playing with her; that he was just trying to see how easy it would be to get a superstar like
eun suk to fall for him. and it appears it was too easy, so he said he was sick of playing already as it was not much of a challenge.
eun suk was deeply hurt. she couldnt believe it. as for
bok-gu, he'd left her with his own feelings in turmoil.
eun suk eventually found out that
bok-gu was
min-gu's brother. the same night
bok-gu broke up with her, she called him again to meet him up; to tell him that she didnt regret any of the times she's spent with him.
bok-gu, feeling that he's finally hurt her, let her in on the news about
min-gu's accident. he told her about his condition. he told her about why he played her. he told her about the revenge. he told her about everything - but his own actual love for her.
eun suk left in a daze. but she returned after that, this time with a different purpose. she wanted to take care of
min-gu because she felt it was all her fault that he was in the condition he's currently in and also because he was, after all, her boyfriend.
bok-gu, not being able to bear the sight of
eun-suk with his brother as well as his own love for her that hurts him seeing her in pain, finally decides to move
min-gu away without telling her. he felt that she shouldnt be doing this; that she should just leave them be, as they are obviously from a different class.. that she should just continue living her life as it was before she met them..
bok-gu managed to disappear for a year.. until one fateful day brought the two of them to meet again.
bok-gu told her that his brother passed away the year before.
eun suk couldnt believe it. so she went to find
bok-gu at his home - and saw
min-gu there in a wheelchair.
min-gu was obviously getting better as he could even react to his surroundings and talk a bit, which was actually a miracle. so
eun suk then took
min-gu away with
bok-gu's reluctant permission so she could care for him more.
as time wore on,
min-gu realized that
eun suk was actually more in love with his younger brother. that she was hurting for him; that she really needed him.. but, being unable to talk much, there wasnt anything he could do for the both of them..
finally, one day,
min-gu passed on. but before he left, he had a final message for
bok-gu.. 'do your best.. try your hardest.. not to let eun suk cry. eun suk loves you too.. not me. you're the one eun suk loves. whatever i cannot do for eun suk.. unable to love her, unable to treat her tenderly.. you must help me protect her, love her.. a thousand, ten thousand times more.'
bok-gu knew he couldnt do as his brother wished. after all,
eun suk was still his brother's girl. besides, he still had
da jeong too. he lived his days in misery after
min-gu left - drinking every day, getting into fights.. and
eun suk wasnt doing any better. she was in a daze herself. the two of them were obviously trying their best to fight their deep longing for each other as well.
one day, they finally met up. when the two of them finally could not take it anymore, they met up.. and decided that for that one day, they would go completely crazy and enjoy themselves.. and after that day is over, they would go on with their own lives. to live better, and to forget all that's ever happened before.. in order to forget each other, they would spend one whole day together..
they promised each other that they'd live well after that one day is over. because they knew, it was impossible for
bok-gu to be with
eun suk as his brother was everything to him, and being with
eun suk would not be right in memory of his brother..
eun suk, on the other hand, understood, and knew that there was nothing she could do about it.
eun suk : until now.. what were your happiest moments? although it might be a difficult life, but surely there were happy moments?bok-gu : the time when hyung (older brother) returned.eun suk : the time hyung returned?bok-gu : the hyung who abandoned me, and returned 10 years later.
eun suk : and up till now, the most fortunate moment?
bok-gu : when hyung regained consciousness.eun suk : until now, the time your heart ached the most?bok-gu : knowing the reason why my hyung left me for 10 years. in order to shoulder my blame, he went to the correctional institute. so he couldn't stay by my side. realised all this after seeing my hyung again.
eun suk : until now, the most painful moment?bok-gu : when hyung abandoned me once again. to a place where i cannot find him. when he abandoned me and left.eun suk : for kang bok-gu, what does kang min-gu represent? your hyung, is he by your side now? without kang min-gu, will kang bok-gu still exist? that's why it can't be me right? any other girl would be okay, only it can't be cha eun suk? really pitiful, cha eun seok. how unlucky, kang bok-gu.. get in the car. i am only sending you to the bottom of the mountain.though it was hard, when morning came, they let go. they went on living their lives, successfully. but they it was obvious that although they existed, they didnt have a life. they werent happy. but they continued going on..
a year passed, and they've both achieved what they promised each other that final day together. it apparently seemed they were very successful, but only they themselves knew how much they were hurting inside.
finally, one day,
eun suk couldnt take it anymore, she knew what a lie she was living. it was very cold as it was mid-winter, but she left for the mountains. it was where she told
bok-gu her dream place was:
'in a forest in the mountains.. where no one can find me.'
alarmed that
eun suk disappeared,
bok-gu couldnt hide his feelings any longer. he hurried up to the mountains in search of her. he called and called for hours, but there was still no sign of
eun suk. finally, when dusk settled and all was dark,
bok-gu finally spotted
eun suk unconscious in the snow.
in a desperate attempt to wake her up, he rubbed her warm, he hugged her, gave her his jacket; all the while apologizing and praying she'd regain consciousness.. but to no avail.
the next morning when the sun appeared, the two figures of
eun suk and
bok-gu could be seen on the snow; faces pale with cold. they were both unconscious, but a conversation exchanged between them..
eun suk : oh? what are you doing here?bok-gu : because i long, can't endure the longing.eun suk : i've been doing my best. nobody can see it. coolly, gracefully.. i've been trying hard.bok-gu : i know.eun suk : the movie has been filmed, the new car has been bought. even made wedding plans with kim joon sung.
bok-gu : i know.eun suk : even deleted your name from my handphone. really, didn't think of you for a minute or a second.
bok-gu : i know.. until now, the second hardest thing.. was leaving a scar upon eun suk's heart.. and making eun suk shed all those tears. until now, the second happiest time.. was when eun suk forgave me. until now, the second most fortunate time.. was when eun suk said she still loved a person like me. thank you. it isn't cold. very warm. because i have hyung.. because i have da jeong.. because I have you.. so it's very warm.. for me in this world. thank you. for letting me love you..and his hand dropped limply from
eun suk as they both continued sleeping.. peacefully. he finally had her by his side once again, in that warm and clear morning..
and so it ended. the sad love story that was cursed from the very beginning.. the title of 'a love to kill' which is also otherwise known as 'the love of death' and 'this damned love'.. beautiful.
(c) 2005 joey.
erk.
damn. i think my blog's getting too personal. i shall shaddap more now. i think i need a diarryy.. or at least another blog. ahaha..
anyhows.
christmas lunch today at the office! everyone's in holiday mood liao ahaha.. getting a half day today so i'm damn glad. then it'll be a three day weekend this week which ends with the family coming over! woohoo i am one absolutely happy girl. *big biG grin.
to add to the happiness, i've finally got some full house extras (ie. video clips and bloopers) which finished downloading just as i woke up. *try picturing a HUGE smile on my face now. and ALSO, my second last episode to a love to kill is DONE! i've got only an hour plus left to wait on the final episode to download. geez. i'm such a korean drama freak. and i love being one. my RAINNNNN! whopeeee..
more later. gotta get to work now.
huge SMILESSSSS..
i promise myself.
six months.. i really have to do it. i really have to..
i'm not going to blow it as easily as i did the last time. i simply cannot do that. but it's so difficult.. it's an arduous test to willpower. and if you really know me, you'll know that willpower's just not my cup of tea. *siGh. what am i to do?
how much more hurt do i have to go through before it finally ends? just tell me how much more so at least there's something i can look forward to..
recently i've taken on a new hobby: reliving the past. okay, not exactly RELIVING though i wish i could.. but of course, not the WHOLE past. just the nicer parts. but anyway, let's not digress. it's more like i've been going through past
painful memories (yeah i know. sadistic, aint it? dont i just love adding more salt to the wound?) but i cant help it. i mean, i've hurt so much that i feel i cant possibly hurt more. maybe trying to come a bit closer to reality's what i really need. a blow to the head. *pow. well, it aint working yet. i keep trying to summon horrible memories so that i'll be able to just let it go and finally stop hurting.. but i cant. all i do is just hurt more. and regret.
ahh regret. that's the biggest part of it all. the
what ifs, the
if onlys.. that brings the worst feeling of all. oh but there's another big part. somewhere up there right next to regret. it's the foolishness of it all. the
how stupid can a person be's, the
you're such an ass for being hurt for something as trivial as that's.. you know. the whole works.
aggggggggggh.
do you know how pissed i am at myself?
who's as stupid as to make themselves feel more hurt, right? no one's that dumb. everyone wants to be happy. i want to be happy. THEN WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?
i'm bloody pissed. every time i break a promise to myself like the silly mistake i did a few days back, i feel as though i'm watching myself from afar. like i'm just sitting there watching myself while i go through the motions of being oddly happy and screwing up at the same time. it's like i cant do anything to stop it; all i can do is watch. and THEN i'd feel all bad about it and down and everything else depressing you can think of. well to tell the truth, when it happened, i was actually GLAD. i was unexplainably (inexplainably?) HAPPY. and i think that's the part that annoys me the most.
what is wrong with me?
my baby brother.
i'm so very happy!
yesterday, his team got
gold for the
borneo cup.today, he got
5A's 2B's for his
pmr.CONGRATULATIONS!!i cant believe it. my baby brother! i'm so glad for him that i dont even know how to put it in words. *sigh.
B's only for maths and geo. everything else A! at least he wasnt as stupid as his sister who got a B for
BAHASA MELAYU, of all things. mr thoo was so disappointed that i actually felt really bad. lol. ahahahaa..
i'm so proud of him. he's able to manage his tennis AND his books. *siGh.
i still cant get over it. my baby brother! *sniff. =)
random thoughts.
not even a week and i've already broken my 6month deal. siGh. stooopid. i need more willpower. or else how am i going to get through this?! 6months. sure. it's not even 6DAYS. aishhh.. how how how? i dont even know what i want at this point.
why cant i say sth smart for once instead of lame-ass immature comments?! who on earth says 'smart..' after a person tells them that they left their phone in with the laundry?!
i'm so thrilled with the thought of getting my pay probably next week that i've doubled my research efforts on cameras and phones. and also an mp3 player. =) anyone else got suggestions on which to get? i'm trying to get one of each. i'm still so undecided.
i just had lunch but i'm still hungry.
i'm bored.
ahahahaaaa..
cheered up.
ahahahaaa friendster horoscopes are the best. they're so funny. =D
i've always been a horoscope person, but by far, the best horoscopes have got to come from friendster. ehehe. i mean, there's no way you can believe them, but they're just so much fun to read. at times, they're so accurate that you just cant help smiling, even though it's all purely coincidence. =)
well i've been pretty down yesterday and all.. and i still felt a bit of it today. so guess what friendster had in store for me?
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
The Bottom Line
Don't be too critical of yourself. You're doing so much better than you think! (spot on! ahaha.. well it definitely gave a boost to the spirits, whether it may be true or not..)
i love friendster horoscopes. =D
so tired.
i'm losing confidence in myself. i'm just so tired. so, so tired.
o_O
i cant believe i actually keep up with business news now. okay maybe not that bad yet.. but more or less know what's going on.
i cant believe that i actually know what goes on in the WTO.. or that the USD had the biggest drop to the YEN in six years last week but rebounded today.. or that the USD is also otherwise known as the greenback (now that one was interesting. ehehe i didnt know that before last week).. or whether KOSPI is the korean stock or a chocolate type (ahaha ok kidding on that one. that was stupid). lol.
i really didnt know. i also didnt even know that malaysia held the inaugural east asia summit last week. not that i really cared lah.. but well. i didnt know.
this internship's definitely doing something to me. heh. slowly, but for sure. and it's not a bad thing either i guess. =)
geu rae do.. sarang ee da. (it's still.. love.)
i just came to the horrible conclusion that my blog doesnt read korean fonts. =( daymn. i know it's not my browser coz my browser reads korean just fine.. but my BLOG doesnt!! agH. so sad. =(
but anyway, i actually wanted to post the whole lyrics of my current blog song up in korean.. but since my blog has so nicely declined to show it in korean, i'll just give the translation instead. sighsss.. it's just such a beautiful sad sad song..
it's still.. love - shin seung hoon
when i see love, i walk by it
when i know it's love, i make an excuse
when i hear love, i ignore it
to cover my cries, i laugh loudly
love, is my love that bad?
love brings happiness, but here i am crying
why me, why am hurting so much?
i'd give everything away, if this love was permitted
when love hurts me, i continue to live
wiping my tears doesn't ease the pain
love, is my love that bad?
love brings happiness, but here i am crying
why me, why am hurting so much?
i'd give everything away, if this love was permitted
precious things always seem to leave
so i've kept my feelings hidden
your aura is so attracting
that causes the drunkenness from your love to get worse
i live for this painful love..sighs.. there. just in case you were wondering what the songs actually means. and how sad it is. heh..
the beautiful liar.
it never fails to keep me wondering: how you ever managed to lie so beautifully?
all that you ever said, all your promises. all beautiful, sweet lies. everything that i fell for. you're real good, eh?
i mean, it must be all lies. it couldnt have been real. if it was, i wouldnt be in this sick predicament now, would i?
you see, i actually believed everything. from the beginning till the end. of course, back then i didnt think there was an ending at all. to tell the truth, now i wonder.. why didnt i even think there was an ending? what a silly fool i must have been. i'll bet you were laughing all the way ey? how funny it must've been to watch me.
i guess back then i was just being the hopeless romantic that i was. the whole happily-ever-after scene.. the soulmates that shall never part no matter what.. the riding off into the sunset.. i think i watched and read too much romance. come to think of it, i think i still do.
but i couldnt have helped it. you were like a dream come true. better, even. i felt i was trapped in an endless fantasy. where dreams go on forever and you'll never wake up.
of course, i did finally wake up, two years ago. i woke up and realized that i wont be having the same dream no more. and now, i realize that when i woke up, i left my heart behind too. i only have my mind left to remind me of it.
i think that's why i didnt cry much. i couldnt feel, so how could i cry? i have no more feeling left in me. all that i feel now comes from my head, not my heart.
the only heart i have left is the one that beats, that keeps my blood going. i dont know of any other heart.
maybe that's why i love sad, sweet, romantic korean dramas. they remind me of sweet dreams. yet, they remind me of what i no longer have, which hurts too. what a contradiction. i never fail to amaze myself.
but i guess the main reason's coz there's hot guys aplenty to watch ey? especially like my rain. so it keeps my mind off other things, at least for a while.
two years. geez. what a freak. i got a piece of advice from a really really great friend the other day, one who understands my situation more than anyone else i know:
'they say you need a period of at least 6 months where you neither see/contact that person. during these 6 months, you're supposed to purge your life of everything that reminds you of them.'
you know what? maybe i should. i was so stupid before as to think you really meant what you said. 'once a friend, always a friend'? yeah sure. my huge ass. and i mean that literally too. teehee.
so yeah. i cant believe myself then. every time i saw you, i tried. i worked hard. 'friends', i believed. i tried, and i got the cold shoulder, and i ended up getting hurt. and yet i tried again. and again. i never stopped trying. even when i didnt see you, i'd still try. and what did you do? you, the one who came up with the whole 'friends' thing in the first place? let me tell you what you did.. you did nothing. all you did was change into someone i dont even know.
i really want to hate you, but since i no longer have a heart, i guess i cant do that now, can i? so as of now, RIGHT NOW, i officially promise myself.. i do not want to have anything to do with you for six months. six years, even. if that's possible.
i mean, how hard can it be? i dont have a heart.
geez. who am i kidding? even as i type the words i know it's not gonna happen. not in a million years. the minute i see even a strand of your hair, i'm bound to try. and get hurt all over again. yeah, i'm that stupid. i never learn from my mistakes.
sighhh.. yeah i'm still waiting. waiting and praying. praying and waiting. i'm not complaining. it's just that sometimes.. i keep thinking. and hurting. and wishing. i mean, you cant exactly expect to wait yet not feel pain, could you? like if you fall off a bike and cut yourself on your knee.. sure, you'd cover the wound and all. but yet, it still hurts. it hurts whenever you walk. it hurts whenever you move. and there's nothing that you can do but wait. same thing.
but anyways. i'm going to try the sixmonths thing anyway and hope that it works. at least better than not trying.
sigh.
how did i ever get myself into this?
the verdict.
i'm still in my good mood. but something finally hit me a while ago. i mean, yeah, i've probably felt it for quite a while, but i just didnt realize what it is.
i realize that,
the mind and the heart are two very different things. my mind still allows me to fall for anyone at all, but my heart doesnt allow me to love anymore. not since i lost it two years ago. and i probably will never get it back.and that's the final verdict.
it's like, the kesimpulan after trying so hard to come up with so much hipotesis that didnt even prove the point. now i finally have it.
ahwells. i'm cool with it. there's nothing wrong with being heartless. all the more space in my mind for rain now that i wont have to think of a better conclusion.
i'm still happy.
uberly utterly completely extremely happy!
reason #1:
my family's coming to singapore for a week on christmas day!! just found out last night and flight got confirmed this morning. so i'm very very happy. nothing can spoil my great mood. lalalaaa.. best christmas present i'd ever expect for this year. siGh. life's good. all good. i'm seeing my family in a weeks' time! i'll be completely booked that week. =)
reason #2:
my parents got my old digi number back!! i love love love them so much. they knew how much that number meant to me.. so they went to the digi centre to fix it this morning. *teaRs. i'm so happy.. my 0168714428 is back in service! =) wheeee..
okay the rest are smaller reasons but i'm still happy too..
reason #3:
my flight back to miri's confirmed on the 21st jan. as in, really really confirmed. and i wont have to wait in kl for 4 hours! i only have a short transit in kuching and then i'm home free.. plus, it only costs rm300+ compared to the rm600+ that i was originally supposed to pay.. so there. money worries for plane ticket back at least not so bad anymore.
reason #4:
the song from the 'a love to kill' ost that i've been trying to upload since forever has finally been uploaded. i think there was a problem with the server or something, but now it's up so i'm really really happiieeee.. i love this song.. and a few more on the soundtrack. siGhss..
reason #5
my korean reading's improving!
reason #6:
it's the weekend!
life is fantastic.
i miss home.
my plane ticket finally got confirmed today, so home at least seems closer than it was before. i'll be arriving miri about 0125pm on 21st january 2005. i'll be home!
i miss home.
ministry of sound just opened in s'pore along clark quay today. anyone care to go with me to check it out?
ahahaha ok ok two completely different things.. but well. the mind wanders.
what am i gonna do for new year? siGhs.
happy birthdayyy!
a very very happy birthday to my beloved baby bro who's finally turned fifteen!! two more years till you can drive, yo. =D i'm waiting for that.
gawsh.. it's just amazing how time passes. i remember a time when i was six. i couldnt WAIT for you to grow up so you'd be taller than me and that you'd be my dancing partner. yeah, back then i was a dancing freak. ahahaha.. and now, you're TOWERING over me. geez.
and then there's the time when i used to show off all my bicycle skills to you coz i knew you cudnt do them (eg. ride with one hand, stand up and ride.. little kid skills. ahaha..) but i guess you proved to be the better cyclist after all after my 'accident' last year. heh..
and there's also the time when you'd do ANYTHING for me at all back then. i know you still do, coz i know you love me.. but now you're damn more manja than before eh? ahahaa.. i miss you.
the time when.. we started learning tennis together and for a week i think, i was SLIGHTLY better than you.. and now? daymn. i'd be HAPPY if i can play half as good as you, you freaking tennis pro. ahahaha..
oh and not forgetting when.. when you had your first crush! lol. gawsh.. how long ago was it? and also when you finally had someone you actually like, like you back. d'you want me to remind you how nervous you were? it was so funny.. i laugh thinking back on it now.. yet now, you seem to be doing much better than me in that department huh? =)
sighss.. you're all grown up now. you've changed so much from that adorable chubby little boy with two missing front teeth and that winning grin. dont change too much yea? but no matter what, you'll still be that adorable chubby little boy to me. my baby brother..
happy 15th birthday.. wish i was home now.. huGss..
siGh.
i miss my phone number.. i miss my phone.. but i miss my number most of all.
i just went to check the call details for my number again. the stupid bugger's been using my credit to call international. fck. i dont know why but i just keep going back to check my call details. i know, i know.. i should just let it go. but i love that number! it's been with me for SIX years! *tears.
guess this just goes to show how hard it is for me to let go of things. *siGh. i never let go easily, do i?
i miss my number. i cant wait to get back to miri to claim it back. hopefully it wouldnt be too late then. =(
i would really really love you if..
you'd give me rain! as in, the guy on my blog now. *siGh
here's my christmas wishlist:
1. rain
2. rain
3. rain
4. rain
5. rain
6. rain
7. rain
8. rain
9. rain
10. rain
11. okaylahh.. if no rain, a HUGEass rain poster would do.. or anything that has rain.
and i'd love you forever and ever and ever.
mwahkz!
thoughts.
whew am i pooped. woke up at 0500am this morning, left for work at 0600+am, arrived at 0700am, stayed throughout the remainder of the live programming of asia squawk box and now i'm so deaded out. i dont know how the rest of the team lasted since 0300am! hols has made my sleeping time more than usual and i'm back to my very-rare-during-semester more than 5 hours of sleep. which probably explains the tens of yawns i've had since this morning.
*siGh. but the experience was good though. this morning, i mean. ECN was explaining to me all about the live programming while they were running the show.. and i think i probably learned more about the production side of the media in this one week than i could ever learn in one semester of classes! and daymn. i was in the control room just now.. very intense. sudden changes in the show.. guests not turning up.. breaking news.. all i can say is, wow. definitely an interesting field. *biG smile. i'd like to produce a show one of these days.
so then, it's back to the office upstairs.
siGh. i'm starting to get worried. i'm so broke. i mean, there's tonnes of stuff i have to buy.. xmas presents.. bday presents.. clothes.. and those arent even including the top three i have planned so long ago when i found out how much allowance i'm getting from cnbc for working as an intern: a digital camera, a mobile phone, and an mp3 player for my bro. after i get all three, i think i'll even be blowing my whole cnbc allowance! coz i had a rough estimate for those three items of at least a bit more $ than what i'm currently earning. arGh. and there's still money needed for lunch and all those little everyday expenses like transportation.. i really dont wanna ask for more money from my parents coz i think i'm already overspending. fck. i cant wait to start working for real. i wonder if there's any freelance work i can do?
i'm so broke.
and i havent even done my hair! =(
hopelessly addicted.
i think i really should put a stop to my korean dramas. this is seriously turning into an obsession!
the more i watch, the hotter i think rain is. ahahahaaa maybe i should just fall in love with his on-screen persona. he's seriously swoon-worthy. *sighhhhh. and should just forget about going after whatsoever real guy out there who's so hard to understand that it's close to impossible. yeah.. fictional guys are much easier to understand. and usually 100% better looking too. =) i've given up hope on real guys. ahahahaaa..
okay joanne is a bit cuckoo so. you understand.
but one thing's for sure.. rain's latest drama is REAL good. check it out. "ijuksa", or directly translated as 'this damned love'. otherwise also known as 'a love to kill' or 'the love of death'. real good. not your typical love story. teehee. i'm hooked.
the office and the newsroom.
there is an obvious difference between the office and the newsroom, though they're both in the same company. like, duh? ahaha. what a lame introduction. but i'm sure i got your attention, didnt i? with my trying-hard-yet-failing-at-sounding-professional intro. yet i wanna be a journalist? oh no. maybe it isnt my true calling after all. ahaha. okay enough digression. i was just talking crap, by the way. as good or as lousy (i seriously think it's the latter though) i might write, i STILL want to be a journalist.
so anyway.
i was in the newsroom today working with adeline to produce the cnbc mobile clips. hopefully i'll be able to produce my own soon! it's all real fun; working against the clock in a deadline by the minute to finish up a show. so exciting. and yet ade says it isnt the real deal yet. she says it might be possible for me to try out with the live program one of these days, so daymn. i cannot wait. now THAT would be seriously by the seconds. moments, even. so looking forward to it.
by 0200pm, we were more or less done with the clips for today, so i (regretfully) trudged back upstairs to my office on the 31st floor. i love the place there, seriously i do, but there's so much more action going on downstairs. however, i would still be working with ade tomorrow so i'm not feeling too bad. =)
there's such a huge difference between the production side downstairs and the office upstairs. in the newsroom it's all noises here and there, people running in a hurry to get hold of certain info or person, guests arriving for interviews, etc etc. meanwhile, upstairs where there's the distribution (that's me), ad sales and finance departments, things are more laid back. things are usually more fun when andrea, jacq and andrejka are around, coz then at least there's people to talk to.. but today? agh. andrea's on leave. jacq's outstation. andrejka just gave birth. and i had so little work to do. ahahaha.. i so cannot wait for tomorrow again.
so there. today marks my fourth week of working. wow. i'm almost halfway gone with my internship. it's so soon! by the time i finally leave i know i'm so gonna miss the place. i find something more about it to love every day..
a tribute to hannah lipang nawan.
(19 August 1988 - 5 December 2005)a girl whose smile lights up her whole face, exuding sincerity straight from the heart - you cant help but be touched.
hannah, i'm so sorry i couldnt be home to bid you a final farewell, but i know.. we'll meet again. for now, here's a tribute to you. take care over there yah..
now, to say i dont know hannah much, that's a definite no way. to say we're extremely close, not exactly either. but one thing i know for sure, she's one hell of a crazy partner to hang out with.. and you'll never get bored of her craziness and her witty yet sometimes weird remarks (i know you're laughing there hannah but it's true! ahaha..). so yeah. that's the hannah i know.
this girl one year my junior.. i've known who she was all the way back since primary school, but not personally. only when she became my sexay saxophone partner did we get to bond, coz she became my sexay lil saxophone sis! and oh yeah those were fun times. hannah, how did you ever put up with my craziness? back then it was you, me, yih chen, chris and yih wen. you were the most kwai of us especially when we went nuts. but of course, you were crazy, just not as bad as us yet. but after you got into full saxo hype, there's no stopping us now, is there? yeah.. i miss those times. hey, you'd better start practicing now so we'd be able to duet when we meet again alright? ehehe. and dont forget to polish either. senior's orders. ahahahaa..
then there was the prefectorial period, when hannah again became my junior, and the junior of all other prefects my batch. we'd rarely hear a word of complain from her, and she turned out to be one of the best backdrop leaders in stco history! same red team together.. oh great dance by the way that you guys did during prefect camp which turned out to be the best! eheheheee so proud of you all.
hannah. the girl with an ever-present smile.. cheers people up every time.. truly generous. who has a big heart.. sweet.. always polite. and above all, lives her life fully for God almighty.
hey, you told me you'd look me up in kl, didnt you? or when i'd get back to miri.. i guess now we'll just have to postpone our plans for a bit more. but by then we'll have loads more fun anyway, so it doesnt matter. =) i still remember your shoe too! and how i took the other shoe.. i think. ahahahahaaa..
well hannah, you take care now ok? we'll all be missing you here. you'll never be forgotten. till the day we finally meet again, you'll always be remembered in our hearts.
p/s - dont steal all my sax solos there or else there wont be any left for me!
she's really left, didnt she?
she told me she was waiting for me to go back to miri so she can see me again. she told me she missed me and my manjaness. she told me she wanted to find me in kl. she scolded me for not sms-ing her because i was too busy..
oh God.
why her?
of all people, why hannah, Lord?
she was such a loyal servant of Yours.. serving You in every way that she could. worshipping You.. proclaiming Your greatness to all who knew her..
now we're never ever going to see her anymore. not until all of us finally meet in Your presence once again..
dear Lord, please take care of her.. watch over her now that she's finally with You.. i can only console myself by believing that it is because she was so good, that she was such a wonderful child of Yours that You took her back with You again.
please bless her family and all those who knew her so that they will be strong in going through this..
hannah lipang nawan.
i couldnt believe it. i didnt want to believe it. i was so looking forward to going back home so i can finally meet up with the crazy fun bunch of people including hannah.. now that they're done with spm and everything.. but now..
we were supposed to laugh about how crazy we were during band!
when my bro smsed me this morning telling me the news, i didnt want to believe it. i mean, he's all the way in penang, so what would he know? i was in denial all day.. until i finally came home and found out..
i was on my friendster all day.. looking at the testimonial she wrote me just three days ago. she cant just leave like that..
God.
i cant write anymore.
Lord, please bless the souls of all the others involved too.. and take care of kenaina so she'll have a speedy recovery.
i leave with something ironic.. something hannah posted up on her friendster profile as a shoutout:
stay the way you are..no matter what happens...cos you are going to die anyway... (p/s: dont take this seriously..)hannah.. could you have known??
and how could you have thought i'd ever lupa you?
i cant think of anything now except that she's gone?!
please somebody tell me it's not true.
i hope i got the wrong news and that this is all just a mistake.
whoever's in miri please call or sms me now at +6581437895.
tell me it's just silly crap.
i dont want to believe it.
=)
an-nyeong ha-sei-yo!
eheheee..
okay. so. what's been up with this crazy girl lately?
well..
#1 - she's obsessed with learning korean. she can more or less read words! but cant understand them yet tho. ahahaha.. so sad. but slowly working on it. so that's good. =)
#2 - she's (still) obsessed with rain. so what else is new? ahaha..
#3 - she's (still) having fun at work. not bad ey considering i've been there for two weeks already.
#4 - the asian television awards was actually not bad. ahaha.. minus the fact that i was DEEPLY disappointed when i found out full house didnt get nominated for any awards so that kinda lessens the chance of seeing rain there..
but yeh. the atv awards was still pretty good anyway. mostly local stars were there.. there was gurmit singh aka phua chu kang.. zoe tay.. taufik the 2004 singapore idol.. then of course there were other asian stars.. ehehe.. hacken lee from hongkong.. oh not forgetting denise keller mtv vj as she was one of the hosts. and.. AZNIL NAWAWI from malaysia!! ahaha.. i was really looking forward to the koreans tho coz the lovers in paris drama got nominated for best drama and best actress.. but then.. altho it DID win both awards, the best actress had a pre-recorded speech. aGhh.. she was the only nominee i was really looking forward to seeee! heh. but anyway. at least i got to see aznil in person. damn proud of malaysia. although we DID only win one award (best talk show), but HEY, at least it was something. *big gRin. daryl and i were like the only malaysians from the office.. so everytime there was a malaysian nominee, we went crazy. ahaha.. malaysia quite boleh lah.
ohh but the best news that day was that we won an award too! although it was one award out of a few nominations, but it was still good news. we got best news presenter or anchor, which was won by teymoor nabili. he kinda understated his acceptance speech for such a big award, but anywayz. it was still good. ehehehe.. cnbc rocks. not that i'd ever watch since i'm not a business person, but well. it rocks the business world! =)
so yeah. that was updates for the thursday night.
lazy to blog more now. laters!
guess who's going to the asian television awards tonight?
ehehee.. yup. no kidding. more on this after i get back.
cheers!
=)
