complicated.
it's happening too fast
all of this at once
unsure of what to hope
what to believe
what to trust
how can i be sure that
you mean what you say?
i think i barely know you
yet..
oh i dont know.
i do not deny
how great all this feels
but is all this right?
this feeling inside?
i need time
i need trust
i need you to understand
i need hope
i need faith
i cant bear any more pain
i pray and i hope you will understand
i want this to work out
i know you do too
all i ask from you
is that you understand
there are things about me
that you may not see
still unsure of my feelings
feelings that cannot be forced
please do not pressure me
i need to be free
i need you to trust me
i need you to be there
i need a lot of things
i need you to care
am i asking for too much?
i just feel so confused
i'm really sorry
but i do need your trust
dont make this hard on me
that is all i ask
however i am glad
to know you as you
to know that you're always true
in all that you do
thank you.
bites.
i realize it's been exactly a week since i last blogged. but oh well.. been damn busy lately. everyday it's the same routine. wake up,
STUDY, eat,
STUDY, sleep,
STUDY.. arghhHHH~! i'm so sick of it all.. and yet i dont think i've enough time to finish everything.. :(
i got bitten by a dog yesterday. my first ever dog bite. ahaha.. well he's a pretty cute dog but i think he doesnt like me much. it didnt hurt as bad as i first thought dog bites would be though.. but yeah, i got a scratch on my foot that hurts whenever i apply anything to it or put it under water. ouch. inspected it again this morning and my foot looks slightly bigger than normal. i think it swelled a bit.. ahaha.. are dog bites supposed to swell? it had better be normal coz my mom's trying to convince me to get a shot at the doctor's. *makes face* how long has it been since i was last near needles? cant remember. though i
KNOW i dont wanna be getting near one anytime soon.. ahaha..
sighz. and another thing that bites is how complicated life is making itself out to be. spm is soon, and all of a sudden so many things are coming up at once. preparing for kl next year.. booking tickets and stuff like that. argh.. you'd think that spm isnt even around the corner!
ooh..
<3. not forgetting the complication of
THE WORD and its
kesan-kesan. somehow i still havent found out about the
langkah-langkah mengatasi, coz i damn well dont even know the
sebab-sebab! it's a great thing, but
langkah-langkah yang bijak harus diambil agar tidak menyesal pada kemudian hari. ahaha shyt. i know i sound like i'm talking crap but i am feeling like crap right now anyway so yeah.. what the heck.
school for me starts on january 10th next year. so i'll be leaving miri on the 7th :( i dont wanna go so soon.. i wont even have time to chill in miri after spm! plus the fact that there's not enough time for me to learn
driving which is SO.. arghhHHH~! haihz.
i dont wanna go into the facts right now. been pretty
STRESSED again since yesterday.. arghhHH~! i have to go now. need to send some stuffs for my bro in school.
later.
majlis penyampaian anugerah cemerlang.
was feeling so nostalgic this morning. imagine..
FIVE years in stco all coming to an end.. where did all the time go? dunno why but i've really been feeling so.. sad lately. about leaving school, leaving friends, leaving memories.. *sighz* but i'll definitely never forget all that's happened throughout the years..
the view from block c of the school i'm so gonna miss in just a month's time. :( so many memories in this school.. from this block somemore.. form 1, form 2, form 3 and form 5. *sighz* and then form 4 was in the block on the top left (block a).. had some pretty special memories there too lah. the move from 4e2 to 4E1.. then hanging out by the corridor and door every morning.. then prefect camp..
this is how it looked like this morning. the finally finished backdrop.. i love the way they did the top. the hanging ones.. pretty proud of the prefects now, if i do say so myself. gonna miss them so much after this year.. :(
here's me with the other four ngiauchi po's in 5L1. from left is eva, sin mei, chan, siik fung and yours truly. i really dont know how class would've been for me this year if it wasnt for them. =) so to the ngiauchi po's, love you guys!! ehehe.. really gonna miss ngiauchi-ing with you ppl la.. lol.
tat siong tat siong.. dear friend since primary school. the good old days of banana me speaking to him in english and him answering in chinese. ahaha.. ppl listening in on our convos must've thought we've gone mad.. ehehe ;-) but now.. after all these years.. his english's improved and so has my chinese. so we're pretty even lah.. ahaha..
headgirls vs iscf presidents. from left, jo aka ex-headgirl, hannah aka iscf prez, lynda aka ex-iscf prez, rachel aka headgirl.. ahaha..
me with my two fave juniors in band. once upon a time.. ehehe.. these two crazy girls whom i love so much have been my juniors since the saxophones still rocked the school band. *wink wink* not that they dont anymore.. but then. it rocked MORE before. :)
me with the freaks.. :) from left: pei yee, jin hsien, lynda, cheryl, euphrasia, tracy and me. eyy! i've just realized that nish isnt in here.. hrm. well, these girls are the smart ppl and i also cannot imagine life without them. *sob* why do i feel like i'm writing a testimonial? :(
me with the putera sukan aka bintang award receiver aka kevin lee xin de. ahaha.. yeayy i got a pic with a bintang! lol. should've seen his fans coming over and asking him for a picture with them this morning.. ehehe.. well this cute guy's almost like my extra bro liao lor.. see him everyday.. dun need to worry about missing him lah coz there's always tennis. ahaha..
jason darling~! ahaha.. the mean guy with the nice-to-pat hair.. yeah gonna miss him too after leaving school.. no one to kacau liao.. haihz..
angau headboy of 04/05 aka vincent lau. ahaha.. he looks so cute in this picture.. just couldnt resist NOT putting it up. heh..
my darling bro receiving the star award this morning. *sighz* so proud of him. gonna miss him the most actually.. even tho he's the meanest to me.. ahaha.. but yeah, i love him to bits.. :)
this is how my darling bro would look like if he's a prefect. but he'd most definitely wreck havoc on the school if he really is one lah.. so i guess it's pretty unadvisable =p ehehe.. eng dao or not leh this guy? his sis doing some promo for him here.. but too bad he's taken liao la. *wink*
well i guess it's till here for now. later dayz~!
kolien.
i stepped into class this morning fully expecting at least half of the class to be there.
*surprise surprise*
guess what i saw?
NO ONE.
that's right.
NO ONE.
i got
SO freaked out i was
SO worried i was gonna be the
ONLY one in school this morning. thank god for tracy and pei yee. ahaha.. saw their bags there so yeah, felt pretty relieved lah. oh wait.. not pretty relieved.
VERY EXTREMELY relieved is more like it. ahaha..
haiz. too bad we didnt break any more records.. there were
EIGHT of us this morning. not bad leh.. i think that broke all of 5L1's records ar.. *big grin*
here's a pic of the
SMART ppl studying.. not like me.. lazy freak who only goes around taking pictures of rajin ppl.. wu liao leh.. but what to do?? haihz.. no mood study in school bah.. dahlah last few days of school. kinda.. heavy feeling if yknow what i mean. :'(
that's pei yee to the left, and tracy's sitting next to the window..
after hanging around class in the morning, we had
ANOTHER rehearsal for the awards' ceremony which is going to be held tomorrow..
the half-finished backdrop for majlis anugerah cemerlang.. hope it looks good tomorrow lah ;) putting all hope on the juniors now.. whoops. i meant prefects. :D
haihz. guess that's all for now. nothing much happened today actually. was in school for nothing (as usual) .. then some
crazy shyt happened again. but got that settled already. so yeah.
highlight of the day?
*secret grin* muahkz~!
*yawnz*
i'm supposed to be studying sejarah now but i'm blogging.
oh god.. i have to save me from myself. at least till spm is over.. which is in
FORTY-FOUR days.. which makes me realize that spm is in exactly
FOURTEEN days. two weeks. shyt.
ahhh heck dun wanna think of that right now.
this is just an entry to prove that i'm online even though i'm supposed to be studying.
?!
so this makes me a very lazy girl. remember to slap me when you see me. aduh..
:(
thank you.
thank you.
for all that you said, all that you did
a few words - sentences barely meaning anything
but to me,
they are everything.
lightly scribbled
barely noticeable
words that set me free.
for months i wondered
why?
where did i go wrong?
what was my mistake?
confusing the mind
clouding my thoughts
blinding the eye
breaking my heart
i cannot begin to describe
all that i had to go through..
but now,
i want to tell you
from the bottom of my heart
thank you
thank you very much.
all this while
i didnt know..
whether i made a mistake
a mistake in all that i did before
a mistake in all that it turned out to be
a mistake right from the beginning..
i was so confused
i didnt know what to believe.
now i know..
it most definitely was not a mistake
in fact,
it was probably one of the best things i did
only you would understand
how much it meant to me..
for that,
i'd like to thank you once again.
thank you
for all that you said, all that you did
memories will never fade
forever to be kept
to be cherished
to be thought of when the going gets tough.
finally free from my past
i think i am able to move on
move on to a better future
with many experiences far ahead..
but i want you to know too
that i will never forget
that i will forever cherish
that i will always keep inside of me
this special friendship that we share.
like someone once told me
someone who i used to think was everything to me;
i cannot remember his exact words,
but it sounded like this..
he told me that -
if you love a person, put them in a circle
dont put them in a heart because hearts break..
a circle doesnt break it goes on and on
forever and always..
which is why,
i want to tell you
you're in my circle too
and i'm never letting you leave
no matter what happens..
you played a very important role in my life
and i'll never forget that.
so i want to thank you again
for all that you said, all that you did
thank you for finally letting me know
what it actually meant to you
because in doing so
you have set me free..
a great friend i have never regretted knowing;
more like a sibling to me
you are and always will be..
my special friend.
though there always will be a pointing..
i'm glad that you finally
found what you've been searching for.
i pray that you'll be happy always
keep that smile on your face
like you always tell me to do..
all these half-sentences
barely understandable
yet
these are words from the heart
my thanks for you
will never be enough
for all that you are and
always will be
to me..
thank you.
- eleven -
ponteng.
i woke up at 5.15am this morning. oh
bangga.. i actually woke up when my alarm rang.. ahaha..
well actually i wish i didnt. was having the best dream of all dreams.. haihz. talk about bad timing.. great dreams just have to end like
THAT. =(
after the rude awakening, i just laid there staring at the ceiling. insane thoughts all crossing my mind.. that's when i decided to ponteng for today. muahaha..
i'm such a
naughty girl nowadays.. been playing hooky more than i should. but oh well.. studying at home proves to be more
productive than studying in school. it's not like the teachers even teach anything anymore. an average of about 13 students per day.. i think even the teachers themselves dont feel like teaching. in conclusion.. the best thing to do for these last few
days is to
stay at home. haihz. wish they'd just make it easier for us by granting us an earlier study leave.
hrm. been thinking a lot during my ceiling-staring session this morning. realized that there are some things i just cant do yet.. and some things i probably
shouldnt do.. am i making sense? at times i dont even understand myself.
planning to go over to L&P Consultant Agency's later to check out on some stuffs regarding my plans for next year. haihz.. it's getting closer and
closer. so is spm.
argGhHH~.. an issue that never ceases to cross the mind.
which reminds me [
ONCE AGAIN, like always] that i have to get off the comp already and continue studying.. sighz. just a few more days to go.. and i'll be free.
i will survive.
=)
signin off. peace be with you all..
five years.
it was a place full of strangers - i barely knew anyone. i looked around, dazed. i didnt know where i was supposed to go. a glance, and i saw a familiar face. i called out.
do you know where 1S1 is?
with a grin, i got a reply. it was the furthest block.
block c, he said.
you cant miss it. it's the last class on the top floor.
nervousness engulfed me. it was such a new experience. everyone looked so different.
light blue pinafores,
dark green long pants.. intimi
dating people all around..
to think of it now, it all just seems like yesterday.
form one.. hard time trying to adjust at the beginning.. what with char in a different class from me and stuff.. then it was lepaking along the corridor every morning checking ppl out (namely guys and the canteen's roof! ahakz.. i remember there used to be a LOT of interesting things thrown up there.. heh) there was also the crazy geo teacher who was so hiao and smelled like a perfume advertiser.. lolz. yeah those were the days lah. joined band around mid year and almost fainted in my first march-past. gah.. so me
nyiasoikan ar.. ta
mbah lagi the huge crush i had on one of the band leaders then. ahaha~! thinking back.. it all sounds so..
"eiyerr.. was i really like that??" sighz.
then form two.. enjoyed playing my baby in band.. going for trips to kuching.. seeing stjoe kch guys and going gaga over them together with chris and yih wen.. ahakz~! yeah.. that's what girls from co-ed schools do when finally given a chance to enter an all-guys' school. lol. hrm.. most of what i remember in form two basically involved band.. heh. i slept, ate, and
lived for band.
form three.. pmr year. played more tennis.. everyday eating either
jigs or the canteen's
popiah with char and kar during recess.. hung out in 3T2 everyday.. didnt realize my other motive then, but yeah.. only till recently did i know why. ahakz.. crazy reason. went for mssm in terengganu. beat the hell out of the melaka players in doubles together with tiara. definitely one of my fave matches. down 4-6 in the first set,
BARELY won the 2nd set 7-6 (7-1) and
trashed them in the final set 6-1. ahaha.. ate original keropok lekor from terengganu itself..
kia kia along rantau abang beach in the
MIDDLE OF THE DAY on
BURNING SAND.. how interesting is that? ahaha.. finally for the first time getting a nervous breakdown during an exam. on the
FIRST day of pmr somemore.. bm paper 2.. haihz.. lost an
A just like
THAT.
form four.. 'honeymoon' year. lolz.. year of godknowshowmany ups and downs. hell in addmath. hell in physics. hell in chem. hell in bio. ahaha.. and that's just the academic side of things.. also prefectorial stuffs.. hanging out behind the dewan during setting.. talking while waiting for the satin to be ironed.. then there was the band competition in kuching.. the whole scary
EPISODE that lasted night
AND day.. =( what else in form four? made a mistake.. a lot of mistakes. but then do mistakes feel good? i dont know. now i just try to consider it a very big mistake.. a mistake to be forgotten so as to lessen any hurt it may cause. haih. forget it. ohh.. not forgetting the crazy time in kedah for mssm..
sing tak sing hotel.. or was it an inn? ahaha.. the good and the bad of form four.. sighz.
form five.. this year. spm year. like hell.. not many memories.. no longer in band. no longer playing serious tennis after perlis mssm in march.. a lot of stress. pain. confusion. cant wait to get it over with. leave this place and start a new life. forget all that hurt and start anew..
how did so many things happen in such a short time? i want to turn back time. i'm not ready.. i dont want to grow up. but i dont want to remain here. there's too much to endure.. i wish time would just stop. for now at least.. so i can just finish studying my sejarah
AND sleep
AND still have enough time for other things when i resume time to continue again at 1:30pm on the 17th october 2004. hah.
i
wish la..
you.
stealing glances
i look at you
so close, yet so far
unreachable
this feeling i get
confused
why?
random thoughts filling my head
blinding the eye
who are you?
i know you - yet i dont
i cant tell
you're not you
but you're here
in flesh, but not in mind
[.. to be continued ..]
sniff. :(
i dunno what's up with me today la.. another sad song by jay chou. :(
怎麼隱藏
我的悲傷
失去妳的地方
妳的髮香
散的匆忙
我已經跟不上
閉上眼睛
還能看見
你離去的痕跡
在月光下一直找尋那想念的身影
如果說分手是苦痛的起點
那在終點之前
我願意再愛一遍
想要對妳說的
不敢說的愛
會不會有人可以明白
我會發著呆
然後忘記你
接著緊緊閉上眼
想著哪一天
會有人代替
讓我不再想念你
我會發著呆
然後微微笑
接著緊緊閉上眼
又想了一遍
妳溫柔的臉
在我忘記之前
心裡的眼淚
模糊了視線
你已快看不見
- 周杰倫 '軌跡'
haihz. i need a distraction from all this. wanna go study now. will update later..
sighz.
dunno why i'm feeling so jiwang right now.. just heard this really sad song.. it's a pretty old jay chou single, but still.. it's so sad.. sighz. i dunnola.. kinda tugs at the heartstrings, yknow wht i mean? heh..
只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
睡著的大提琴
安靜的舊舊的
我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道
你沒有捨不得
你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我
也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開
你要我說多難堪
我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份
包容你也接受他
不用擔心的太多
我會一直好好過
你已經遠遠離開
我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份
安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你
是因為我太愛你
- 周杰倫 '安靜'
难道我还放不下吗?
最近我不知道我为什么一直想你..
我以为我放弃了
难道我还放不下吗?
hrm. the sentences sound a bit weird when combined.. but oh well. my 'hasil usaha' in chinese.. lolz.. nolar just pretty bored now.. surfin around..
太闷了..
今天,
我们班上只有一些学生..
我自己也不懂我为什么要去学校..
sighz. it's been raining all day long. kinda adds a moody feel to everything. going to school wasnt much help. only
THIRTEEN people went for class today! if only i'd known i wouldnt even have considered getting up so early today.. haihz.. the teachers didnt even teach anything.. all we did today was do latihans and stuff; and for what? could've done more at home..
but then.. going to school wasnt without its
ups lar.. ;) so i guess it wasnt that bad except for staying in class doing nothing and feeling sleepy all day long. heh.
hrm. dunnolah. been pretty confused lately. dont know what exactly to think. some stuffs came up and.. yeah.. kinda messed up about certain stuffs la. dont know what to do either.. :( one way or the other, things might turn out bad. i really know know why i kept on thinking that way today. i just.. well.. maybe it had to do with bad experiences? sighz. there should be a
"IDIOT'S GUIDE TO LIFE AND ITS PROBLEMS : HOW TO SOLVE THEM"..
为什么做人要这么难?
why does life have to be so complicated?
sighz.
二十一天后是考试了..我一点都还没有准备..
yeay~.. proves i'm not
THAT much of a banana(香蕉) after all lah..
=)
but i wonder if anyone understands what i'm saying.. hrm. i so need to improve.. ehehe.. feel free to leave comments on my chinese. ahaha~..
*peace out*
谢谢大家~!
this is me.
ahaha.. just wanted to add a pic.. :)
life and its curveballs..
life has many ways of surprising you.. one day you'd think all's great and fine. suddenly, something unexpected just has to happen to make you feel out of place and thrown off course.
:(
it's like a curveball, thrown long and hard; barely possible to get yet you know some way or the other, you'd
HAVE to get it. at the moment you dont know
HOW, but with time, you will. not that a fast curveball gives you much time to think actually, but yeah.. life and its experiences trains you to think faster and react better towards
certain *ahem* stuffs.
haihz. really lah. spm's in
TWENTY-ONE days and here i am thinking nonsense like usual. aghhH~.. sejarah's been pretty much what i've been reading lately.. but ask me a question now and i swear i'm not gonna be able to answer properly. shyt. been daydreaming a lot more than usual too. not forgetting this crazy urge to fall asleep every time i open a book. how like that? die lohh..
*sighz* just gotta get thru. 21 days + 28 days of actual exams = 49 days to freedom~! mwahaha..
smart and hardworking ppl think of it as 21 days to go before finally proving their intelligence.
lazy ppl like me think of it as 49 days before finally being able to kick back, relax, and enjoy life. ;)
ahaha.. i so have to change my pandangan lahh.. at this rate i'd be lucky if i can even scrape off more than 7As.. haihz.. which leads me to..
my form four sejarah textbook lying on my sofa.
have to get back to study laH.. wish me luck ppl.. i so need it.. ahaha.. well i know everyone does la.. so well. laterz~! :)
form 2 maths..
wahh.. i stayed home today to
STUDY.. mana tahu ended up becoming my bro's tuition teacher for his final maths exam in the afternoon later.. lolz..
form two maths..
perasaan. random. kehilangan. hurt.
dalam kerinduan ini
ku menatap gambar wajahmu di ruang kamar
rintihan asmara kau dan aku
kini tinggal memori yang menghiris di kalbu
duhai bayu
sampaikan salam pada dirinya
nyatakan betapa pilu perpisahan
semua ku redhai
dalam tangisan yang syahdu
kau mendustai percintaan diriku
setelah aku memberi segala-galanya
pengorbananku dikau persiakan
oh mengapa tangisan dalam kerinduan ini
menjadikan kehidupanku tidak menentu
keretakan bak dihempas kaca oh mengapa
ku masih merinduimu
walau tidak dijodohkan
suratan takdir telah menentukannya
ku masih menyintaimu
hingga ke akhir hayatku
biarku simpan perasaan ini kasih
izinku membawa diri
oh bayu sampaikan salam perpisahan oh dariku
- farah
"tangisan dalam kerinduan"
