the greatest power of all.
my eyes are still slightly sore. and no, not from sleeping too late last night either. i will go into that in a while. i was such a frustrated soul last night. so confused, so hurt. so lost in memories and regret. drowned in misery, i thought nothing could ever help me. it was such a low point for me. for a while there, i almost believed that even God doesnt hear my pleas for grace and mercy anymore. i nearly gave up on hoping for His intervention.
how very wrong i was.
i dont even know how i could've gone so low, but yes, those times actually happen. they happen at the weirdest times, to you and me. and those are the times when we have to really hold on and believe. it is not easy, never. i know how hard it is.. i've been through it countless times. times when you feel that all hope is lost, and that there is no way you can ever get out of feeling as shitty as you're feeling then. times when you just feel like giving up and not bothering to try any longer.. times where people keep telling you to hold on, to believe that He will lead you out of it; but the thing is, you can no longer listen to them or believe them. you're just so tired of believing when it seems as though God isnt even doing anything at all anymore, so what's the use? yes, those are the times i mean. and honestly, i was having a really bad one last night.
but before i go on and on again about what a wreck i was before, allow me to just share this little bit of something interesting.
i went for mass this morning (fyi, that's what we catholics call our church service). there i was just sitting listening to the Father's preaching in the homily, when suddenly tears just started welling in my eyes. i dont cry very often, expecially if it's something concerning me, but this morning.. i just dont know what came over me.
the priest was at first talking about how a couple he recently talked to has a son who did pretty well in his exams but failed to get a scholarship to a good school because he was one point below the required marks. they were apparently very disappointed, because this means they would have to tighten their budget on everything else as they want him to go to that particular school which is pretty expensive. they were upset because they know that their son is very smart, only that he's extremely lazy as well. so they were very down and everything, but Father told them to look at it from a spiritual point of view instead. i cant remember what he said exactly, but it was something like this: 'everything happens for a reason. have a look at it from God's point of view instead. this probably happened so that your son would realize what he did and would work harder in the future to get that scholarship. it would make him a better person. God does everything for a reason.' and the couple left him feeling much better than before, as they have a better view on things now.
well, i know all that scholarship and all doesnt apply to my current situation, but i dont know why.. my eyes started stinging.
then Father went on to continue that as this week marks the beginning of the season of Advent (fyi again, it's the four weeks we have in preparation for the coming of Christ every year), we should all be spiritually awakened. the term he used exactly was 'spiritually awakening'. which means, we should all always be prepared for the next coming of our Saviour; so that we would be alert, and know when He finally comes.
then i dont know how.. but the part on spiritually awakening somehow led to patience. Father was talking about how a lot of us are very impatient. how we think waiting is a waste of time. and how we always never wait for God - in a sense of saying that every time we seek God, we feel as though we should be answered immediately. that we are never patient, and that the moment we think God isnt there at all due to not answering our prayers immediately, we give up in Him altogether. now THIS one completely hit home. the tears just started coming out they wouldnt stop. i've never cried in mass before, so why now?
Father then went on to say how we should always be patient, and learn to wait.. as God will come to us eventually. that we should know how to hold on and to believe in Him.. just like how the Israelites had to wait hundreds of years before they were saved (correct me if my history's wrong, but i cant remember exactly what Father said), so why cant we do the same as well? why cant we wait too?
i mean, wow. i really dont know. at that point, i just felt like God was there. that He was giving me advice. that i should hold on and believe in him.. and that if i wait and be patient, He'll do his wonders.
it's not just coincidence, i know. all that talk on waiting just as i was on my lowest moments.. it was a blessing. almost like a spiritual intervention. i would say i have been very 'spiritually awakened'.
my eyes were teary all throughout mass. and when 'spirit song' came on, it just felt so right..
Oh come and sing this song with gladness
As your hearts are filled with joy
Lift your hands in sweet surrender to His name
Oh give Him all your tears of sadness
Give Him all your years of pain
And you’ll enter into life in Jesus’ namei can only say one thing right now:
i love God so very much.
He is wonderful, powerful.. the greatest power of all.
best of all, He never lets us down.
all we have to do is be patient and wait.
*sigh.
yeah. just thought i wanted to share that with you guys. it really did a lot of good for me. so for whoever of you who's feeling let down and about to give up, this is for you. be patient and wait. He will come.
...
i know God did all this for a reason, so who am i to question His work?
i should just subject myself to His will and be glad for all that He's done for me..
but it's so hard to let this go..
tormented and torn apart. please provide me with the grace to see this through..
fool.
i suddenly had this strong urge to just pick up the phone and call you. just like times before, when i'd call you whenever i was feeling down. i wanted to tell you how bad i'm feeling, and listen to your attempts at cheering me up. i wanted to just hear your voice. i wanted to know you're still there..
but then reality hit. i cant. not anymore. i dont even know you any longer. who am i to mess up your otherwise currently blissful and contented life? i've no right at all to do so.
i need to get out of this. it's getting worse each day. i'm such a fool..
big fat liar.
i'm so frustrated. i want to run to the sea. i want to scream until all my breath has left me. i want to sit on wet sand and cry while allowing waves to wash over my feet. i want to walk along the coast all night and just cry. i want to hear the calming voices of the waves telling me it's alright even though deep down, i know it's not. i want to just look up at the vastness of the skies, at the endless stars, praying that everything will be fine.
i really cant pretend no more. who am i to lie even to myself?
i keep trying to convince myself that i'm fine, that i'm over it. that i'm strong and whatever i face, i can do what i always do: put up a smile and just wave it off.
WHAT A BIG FAT LIAR.
i can normally do that. put up a smile and just wave it off, i mean. heck, i'd never worry about problems after a very short while. but this..? *pulls hair. i really really dont know what to do.
everything happens for a reason, they say. yeah sure. i believe that. i've been trying to convince myself that all this happened so i have space in life to pursue my dreams. so i can travel, see the world..
BUT WHY DO I KEEP FEELING LIKE THIS IS ALL SO WRONG??
bugger!
okay this is driving me insane!
i cannot stand it cannot stand it cannot stand it!
arGh.dear Lord please give me a peace of mind.
whee.
this is so fun. i am so bored. but geez i tell you. some of these stuff? they're for reaL. check them out and tell me ppls, how true are they with who i am? ahaha.. i got a kick out of reading all the answers. teehee.
Your Birthdate: April 11
|
Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.
Your strength: Your inner peace
Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds
Your power color: Emerald
Your power symbol: Leaf
Your power month: November
|
eh.. wow. no other comments. =)
| Your Heart Is Pink |
In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.
Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.
Your flirting style: Coy
Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park
Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant
What you bring to relationships: Romance |
ahh.. kinda true eh. i think..
| The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. |
teehee. hrm.. interesting.
| Your World View |
You are a fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably content.
You value kindness and try to live by your ideals.
You have strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material.
You respect truth and are flexible.
You like people, and they can readily make friends with you.
You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you. |
not bad either..
| Your Outrageous Name is: |
Sue Shi |
sue shi?! ahwells. maybe coz i love sushi anyway. ahaha..
| All American Kid |
Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain.
You were well rounded and well liked in high school. |
ahh how come i never know that one? ahaha.. sounds good tho. lol.
| You Are 30% Weird |
Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself. |
suits me just fine.
| You Are Not Scary |
Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet? |
yeay! ahaha..
| You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts) |
You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced.
You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker. |
ahaha.. oh-kayy.. i dont mind the film maker and photographer part. as for artist, i cant even draw! heh..
lazy dayyy..
been having another of those lazy days again today. ehehe.. woke up at almost 1100am, slept late last night. but come to think of it, it wasnt even that late compared to my days at kl! heh. i must be losing my touch. close to 0200am and i'm already sleepy.
so anyway. was watching rain again. oh goshh i'm so obsessed. sigh. i know, i know.. it's getting very annoying, but i cant help it! ahaha.. downloaded his latest drama that just came out this year. looks to be very promising. too bad my hard disk no more space! agH. i've got some serious cd burning to do..
yeh i'm a freak. i know. dont have to tell me about it. =D
reporting from the cnbc newsroom!
ahaha.. too bad it aint the real thing tho. i'm just reporting to my blog. =)
so anyways. had a pretty busy week this week. let me just sum it all quickly coz i've got another news to edit in about a few minutes' time.
monday - first day at work at 1000am! wheee. was feeling pretty much a little bit of everything (ie. excitement, nervousness, everything jumbled up in one) coz it's my first working experience somemore. ahahaa.. this spoilt brat here has never worked before in her entire life. was on the mrt to the office, when suddenly the train just stopped halfway on the tracks. i was like thinking, 'ohhh noo this is so not my day..' ahaha. but the day turned out quite all right actually. met andrea, who i'm supposedly interning under.. then there's gregg the big boss of the distribution team.. and quite a few more in network distribution. i even got free lunch! ahaha. andrea treated me to lunch saying how it's my first day and all.. and my office is on the 31st floor, so yeah. got a great view of the harbour as well. =D yeapz. that was first day of work for me.
tuesday - mom left for kuching early in the morning. left for work at 0800am. arrived a bit before 0900am. just nice. did the same thing as the day before - called up hotels in bangkok and hanoi to arrange for andrea's meeting with them next week. never knew such a simple thing like making phone calls and emailing can be so tedious. it's the waiting for reply part that's tiring. heh. making me sit there goyang kaki so much nia.
wednesday - more used to the whole office scene. andrea told me i could try a day at the production side of the office on friday. got pretty excited for it. same routine again.. waiting for replies and more phone calls for contracts and such..
thursday - need i say more? it IS office work after all. ehehe.. but it's alright la. not working my ass off. i'm actually pretty enjoying it. didnt really know that i would before i started. =) love my boss(es). they're all so sweet.
friday - today! and my day at the newsroom. been having loads of fun. i've visited here on monday with andrea la but it was just a quick tour. now, wow.. ehehe. it's all been very interesting. seeing anchors at work.. producers.. editors.. definitely a world i love. =) got some hands-on experience too with doing some transcribing and all.. *siGh. i cant wait to graduate! wahaha..
so yeah. that's what's been going on in my week as an intern so far. been loving it, that's for sure. till next time then. when i got time to sit and blog again. bubbye noww.. got work to do. =)
random again.
work starts monday! cant wait. talked to andrea yesterday, so all's good. =)
as for this past week, i havent been doing anything productive except for rain marathons. oh, and shopping! ehehe. feel like such a bum.
i really cant wait for monday. my brain feels so dead lately. getting stupider every day. wahahaha.. so not good ah. which explains a lot of my meaningless posts. *siGh.
am going out again in a while. more shopping. i need a camera! but i guess i'll only be able to get it after i get my pay though. heh. already planned it all out. whatever allowance i'm getting from my internship i'm gonna use to get myself a digital camera. that's another big reason why i was so depressed with losing my baby nokia6020 coz that means i'll have to get a new phone. agH. wish i were raking in millions.
$$i love the full house soundtrack. i know i've had it for a long time already, but i've been listening to it on playback nonstop again lately. ahaha. okay i admit, i'm obsessed.
nyeH. =p
full house ost - highly recommended. =)
too much rain!
okay this so has to stop.
(",)
sorry peoples.
heavy rain.
have i mentioned i am so completely in love with rain?
and korean guys who have nice eyes no matter big or small and ESPECIALLY if they have nice smiles. *sigh. *swoon.
oh for the love of language!
it's amazing enough that joanne yong actually finished watching 16episodes of a korean series and actually understand it all - never mind the fact that the subtitles are in chinese and she had to switch the audio to mandarin (a language she can at least understand better than korean, tho it's already really bad).
NOW she has to watch full house which stars her darling rain in COMPLETELY ORIGINAL KOREAN AUDIO and CHINESE SUBTITLES!
this coming from a girl who barely speaks chinese and can read chinese for nuts.
oh whatever am i going to do?
*sigh. the power of true love. haha. that, and the fact that i love sobsob sweet korean dramas.
*big grin.
rain frenzy.
as you can obviously see, i have become VERY VERY obsessed with rain. so please just bear with me for the time being. =)
*sigh.
he has such a SWEET smile! agH. i have a terrible weakness for smiles. =)
*swoon.
confessions.
i dont know which hurts more: the knowledge that things will never be the same anymore, or the fact that you got over it so soon.
i really dont know.
even thinking of it now still brings an ache to my heart. and to think, after all this time..
i guess this time of the year's always a jiwang period for me. a time i've always deeply regretted. a time where i wished i did things differently. a time i've prayed so much to get back to.
i miss you. do you know that? i miss you so much, and i dont know why.
what is this impact you have on me, on my life? it's just not possible. now i try to convince myself. i tell myself that it's no use. i tell myself that i'm only in love with a memory. a ghost of someone i used to know.
because i know, you're no longer the person before. life has changed you. situations have changed you. people have changed you. probably for the better, or worse? i dont know. because i barely know you anymore. the only you i know is the you i've been holding on to. i can only try to believe the change is for the better.
i cried once. very recently. i rarely cry. you know me, you understand me well. you know i always try to be strong when inside i'm as weak and scared as hell. that's why you were always there for me. but that was then.
that one time i cried, i felt so good. i thought that i was finally moving on. you know how people always say: cry, and you'll feel much better. well guess what? i didnt feel better. instead, i felt much worse. it was as though it finally struck me as to how much i've lost. and i've grown to regret more.
i need you here again. but i know you're not even here anymore. you have ceased to exist but for a mere memory. and that's the part that hurts.
did you know how much i loved you? i guess you didnt. i was never good at showing, was i? i was selfish. i held back. i assumed we had forever ahead of us. i believed we had plenty of time. but i guess not. fate has a cruel way of playing tricks with us. if i have a chance to turn back time, oh i would have done so many things differently! but life is cruel. and so is love. i had my chance and i blew it. i guess they were right. 'grab hold of what you have before you lose it'.. 'life is short, make full use of opportunities'.. *sigh.
but just so you know, i loved you SO very much. i loved you so much that i believed if i let you go, you'd be happier. so i did. i let you go. for a while there, i really thought you were happier. though it pained me so but i was happy. anything as long as that smile on your face is always there. but then, when i found out that for a while, you too, had a hard time, probably as much as i did.. did you know how much it hurt? and how much i regretted?
oh so much that i regret now. 'it may not turn out for us this time around, but in life impossibles do happen.. have faith..'
i DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IN FATE!
hah. this is funny. i'll bet you're wondering why i'm doing this now. why i'm saying all this. well. i dont know either. i guess i just need an outlet to vent my frustration. i'm not worried about you finding out either because i know, the circles i go around in are different from your circles now. we are completely different people. i dont know about you anymore, and neither do you know about me.
i remember someone telling me once, 'circles of friendship last forever, unlike hearts which break'.. but we're not even friends any more! so spare me the circle talk. hope on the circle was what kept me going all this while. i believed, i HAD FAITH; but i was wrong. and that is what disappoints me the most. i dont even have you there as a friend anymore.. as much as i'd like to believe, but you're not.
i'm so sad now. guess i got triggered by all that first love thing in the korean show and how it's almost end of the year right now. *sigh. just another jiwang moment, so please dont mind me, peoples.
i'm sure you're happy now. that i have no doubt of. sad as i may be, i'm glad that at least one of us found a way out. i'd want to wish you all the best with her, but who the hell am i kidding? i still miss you so much. i can only pray that you'll always be happy.. while i can just imagine myself in her shoes..
i miss you so much.
agh joanne is such a hopeless case..
rain marathon.
i've been busy having a korean drama marathon for the past three days. and i've just finished the last of 16 episodes a while ago. well, not my most record-breaking time for a drama marathon, but hey, i had to wait for my mom to watch with her so it's not exactly all me. i dunno the name of the main actress but i know it starred RAIN aka current korean hotdude. *sigh.
well anyway. i know i've proclaimed it since i saw the mtv asia aid concert many months back, but i'm here to announce it again. i am so completely in love with RAIN! rain the korean singer/actor/joanne'sdahling. teehee. he is.. *sigh swoon floats off to dreamland. oh, edison's still on my list too la, but rain currently has top spot. err. edison on vacation. ahahaaa.
anyway. again. *grin. korean dramas always make me cryyyyy. *sniff.
'my beloved'.
pretty simple, very korean, extremely loso.. but i LOVE IT ANYWAY. a very sweet tale of first love and how so many things have gone in the way of preventing them being together (and i mean REALLY many) but all ended up well in the end - typical, i know, but HEY it's still sweet okayyy.. it's like it's really fated and all.. and all the trials they had to go thru only proves how strong their love is. *sigh. *sighsighsigh.
joey should not be watching too much jiwang stuff like that. it does no good to the head ESPECIALLY the heart but what can i do? i just love getting my heartstrings pulled, twisted, tangled.. which finally results in sobsobness and a lot of crap-thinking. *sigh. joey is a hopeless case.
update update!
it's been a busy past couple of days. after the whole phone incident - which i'm actually not feeling too bad about anymore, btw (i guess it's only coz i'm not in msia so i dont exactly have the need for it so that's why i'm not feeling for it that much anymore) - but i'm digressing. ahaha. i'm sure i'll feel shytloads worse again when i'm back home. but.
anyways.
arrived in singapore about 0900am on monday. great to see everyone here again =) missed them all.
been doing loadsa shopping. basically = FUN. very happy lah.
internship starts monday. kinda nervous as it's my VERY FIRST JOB! ahahahaa.. pray that all goes well la.
*sigh. tired. and i dont even know why. ehehe..
gone for good.
i've given up hoping.
my phone, my sim card.. everything. gone.
i've resigned to the fact that i'll never ever see my baby nokia6020 ever again.
i dont know which is sadder:
- losing my phone = the best phone i've ever got (okay i know it's not all that great, but hey i love it k..) with all my pics and recordings and all.. all precious moments gone..
[or]
- losing my sim card = my sim card that has been with me for 5years; ever since i was 13. that number has been through so much with me. i dont know lah. it just has very deep sentimental value.
siGh. thinking of both makes me so sad.
i'm glad that my parents are cool with it. i didnt know what i was expecting, but i guess i got it alright. my mom only said about how accidents happen while my dad just told me to be more careful next time. i <3 <3 love love love <3 <3 my parents! but still. i still feel so bad la. them being so nice about it all just makes me feel worse about it all.
the good news is, i've found my pendrive. or at least, chiam and roy found it. turns out i left it at roy's in my rush to send my draft to my lecturer.. so, all's good with that one.
but the other.. siGh.
i think there IS a way to get back my old number, but not so sure how. anyone can help?
...
i havent blogged in a while, and i had SO much great things to say.
about how stressed i was right before i left kl and came down to johor but everything turned out well in the end thanks to His grace. i rarely get stressed out but THOSE 24hours? hell i tell you. thanks especially to roy and yose who helped me move my things in the last minute to my new apartment and settled my student accomodation checking out..
about how our new apartment's so amazing and how we got such a good deal.. how i love the kitchen that has SO MANY cool appliances including a microwave oven now so we can easily reheat stuff.. how the tv's SO HUGE with a hi-fi set that we're gonna have so much fun next year. how i love my room with that HUGE director's chair. how i love the glass double-layered dining table..
about how fun ecf's 'the contender' church camp was.. about experiences and all.. about meeting great people.. about tennis when i actually beat roy. it was doubles anyway but it still counts. =)
about how my calendar design's approved and my lecturer likes it.. about how i dont have a single assignment to worry about anymore..
about how excited i am for my internship..
about how happy i am to see everyone here in jb again especially my mom who flew in the same day i did.. how happy i am to see my cousins, aunts, uncles..
about SO MANY THINGS!
and now.
i'm so sad.
two days ago i arrived in jb. that was thursday.
yesterday. friday. i found out i lost my beautiful 256mb avixe pendrive that looks like a product from sony vaio.
today. saturday. i lost my baby nokia6020. my beautiful baby. with my pictures.. my tones.. my recordings oh my recordings! my contacts.. my information.. most importantly, my 016 number that i've been using since i was 13! that number means a lot to me. been thru so much together. plus tomorrow is gonna be my baby's 5months anniversary with me! i so sad. i dunno what to say. i never lost my phone before. i so sad.
i checked my digi online itemised statement. the bugger (whoever it is who took my phone) made some phone calls. we called the numbers that he/she called. some were nice enough to talk to us. some even said they'd help. i dont want to be pessimistic about this. there ARE nice people in the world. i'm sure there are. i pray pray pray that i'd get my phone and my sim card back. i pray pray pray for whoever that took my phone.. if he/she had any intention to keep it/sell it/steal it at all, that they'd have a heart.. and that God'll forgive them for it. i pray pray pray that everything'll turn out fine.
i pray.
but i'm still so sad.
it's funny how things turn out..
how..
- a year ago i barely knew chiam, and now i dunno what i'd do without her. a year ago i only knew her as stjoe miri's band president, and that she's rosanne's best friend. and some other stuff which you'd only find out thru having addmaths tuition in form 4 together, but that's about it. never would i have thought we'd end up seeing each other day in day out right now. it's funny.
- a few years ago i only knew roy as one of the under16/under18 guys from the kch tennis team. that he was the same batch as adrian ho (i think) they all. never said nil to him before, yet now he's a great friend. or in other terms, chiamie's and my 'sister'. teehee. never would i have thought all those years back that right now i'd be sitting in front of him annoying him. it's funny.
- a year ago i seriously thought i would fail my spm. this is no joke. i know a lot of people probably wouldnt believe me on this one (though i know not for what crazy reason), but yeah. i did. considering my grades during semester exams and all other little exams throughout form 4 and form 5, mygawshhhh. can cry one ah. if i werent so nonchalant about it and was actually more concerned for my grades, i think i would've been crying all year long. addmaths, never pass. bio, chem, physics, fail/pass always on the borderline. moral, rarely pass either. other subs, average. i only have God to thank for not giving me a chance to see a C or below on my spm results. i think i'd say i was blessed rather than 'lucky' - like Fr. Simon says. teehee. because never would i have thought i'd actually get what i got. it's funny, but thank You so much Lord.
- a year ago i believed i was the odd one out. why? i believed all my peers to be ahead of me - in a sense that they knew what their plans are for their future. doctors, lawyers, engineers all.. this is what you get when stuck in a class full of smartasses (i meant that as a compliment =) ). i thought i didnt have a dream. i felt so 'out'. everyone were going on and on about their plans, when i only 'thought' i wanted to do masscomm - a blur vision ahead. never did i realize that this is what i've wanted to do all along. but now i know. for sure. i look back on the past, and everything i did had me prepared for this. a while ago i was looking thru my old stuff. on 'ambitions' many years ago in form 1, i wrote 'journalist'. and i forgot all about it. maybe coz it's just something in me, deep inside that i didnt realize before. i dont know. i know it sounds stupid, but i'd like to believe so. coz that's what keeps us going, isnt it? to believe in sth, to have faith. it's funny, but it's true.
- a year ago i was lost. there were a lot of things i didnt know, a lot of things i was unsure of. i've always had faith, of that i know. i never doubted Him at all. never ever, though at times things got too hard.. but i've always believed. however, i still felt lost. now, i'm stronger. i'm still learning, but that's all i need. never would i have thought i'd get up and find my way, i was really quite lost there. but now i know. it's funny.
- a year ago i never expected to meet such great friends here. i was a bit doubtful, especially coming here to luct on my own, while everyone else i knew went to taylor's or sunway or form 6 or matriks.. sure, i was hopeful, but never did i realize i'd get so lucky. blessed. am very thankful for everyone here, especially chiamie.. ehehe. debs and jess too altho they're no longer here.. but yeah. those are the fun times.. never would i have thought i'd actually have fun here. it's funny.
*sigh.
it's always funny how things turn out. things you'd never have expected before, yet now.. heh. puts a smile on your face thinking about it. =)
