rainy days.
it's been
raining all evening; bringing such a gloomy outlook to everything. so perfect for a confused soul.
i remember many a rainy day - and me being able to go thru it all just because you were
there. but those are days of the past.
i know, it's not good reminiscing. but certain things got me thinking. i
cant help it.
you used to think i was
strong. just because you believed in me, i believed that i was strong too. you had faith that i was strong enough to go thru all this, but i guess you're
wrong. i was strong enough
only when you were there for me; guiding me and keeping me believing. but now that i'm all alone, my
weaknesses set in.
strong enough only on the outside; strong enough only to hold up a mask of pretense. living in lies, lies i dont even believe in. but i had to be happy. i had to forget. so i went on lying. lying to myself, lying to everything and everyone around me. sure, i was happy. i am happy. but deep down, i know there's something
missing.
i know that
you're happy now. i'm happy for you too. truly. i wouldnt do a thing to change that.
i just.. well. i
dont know what i want.
i just want to
let go. really let go.
to look back on times of the past with no regrets at all. no more if onlys. no more wishful thinkings. no more nothing. just contentment and happiness. gladness. thankful that it all happened the way it did.
but i still cant do it. i'm
not strong enough.
how could you believe i'm strong when you know that i'm not? it is not wrong to have faith in a person, but what faith is it when that faith is
unfounded?lately i've been living in the past. the strain of keeping it all in is starting to get to me. it hurts.
how i wish now that it all
never happened. but i know that if it didnt, i'd never feel the happiness that i felt back then.
i miss being that happy. i wonder if i'll ever feel it again?
i tried to. believe me, i tried. but i couldnt. i just couldnt. at this point, i know i can only be truly happy for one
sole reason.
i wish i could be
angry at everything. angry at you, angry at God. angry at the way everything turned out even though we had a chance to do otherwise. but i know. God has planned better things for me. He did all this for a reason. i just have to try being strong enough to live it through.
i just wish it didnt have to
hurt so bad.
however, i know i can
never be angry at you either. no matter what you did, or what you're going to do.. i just cant be angry at you. there's nothing in you i can ever hate. how i wish otherwise. maybe that way, i'd feel much better.
i dont know how much longer i can
keep this up.
i suppose you're right. i am strong. strong in
lying. believe me, i have faith in my ability of doing so too.
i feel so drained. i guess i shall just go now. let me continue holding up this
facade, until the time i can finally look back on this point of time and laugh at what a fool i've been for you.
till next time, cheers.
time to put on a
smile now.
love is patient, love is kind.
it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
it is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
unsolved issues.
i'm sad.
i dont know why. i'm just feeling so sad all of a sudden.
things were going so good, it was such a great day and all.. then suddenly, realization hits. and it's not a good feeling.
i dont know what's going on.
i'm taking a reality check. maybe i havent been really honest with myself. there are issues within me that i havent settled.
but i cant do it. i tried. i cant help it but to continue lying to myself.
when will i ever learn?
procrastinate again. and again.
oh joy. been trying to get on with my media appreciation essay all night but guess what?
ahah. no prizes for guessing.
here i am, goyanging kaki again at roy's place. hopefully i'd get it done soon. i dun wanna go thru another sleepless night tonight trying to get it done by tomorrow morning. heh. no way.
luckily there's no class today. rose chin's not around so it's postponed till friday. sigh. so no long weekend this week. ahwells. today's been a good day. i'm not complaining. =)
just posting for the sake of posting, that's all. ahaha. so sad. but really, i've nothing much to say. *sigh. and i'm yawning as i'm typing this. must be the not enough sleep. but i got work to doooo! ahahaaa..
internet down.
roy's internet has been down for the couple of days. so, naturally, my internet would also be down. ehehe..
anyhows.
what's been happening all week since roy's bday?
roy's dinner party at pizza hut on wednesday night. then i helped him dye his hair! pretty not bad work, if i must say so myself. for an amateur. *broad grin. first time on short hair actually. speaking of which, i SO need someone to help me dye MY hair. aghhh.. ohwells.
thursday forgot what happened. i just remember it as a very uninteresting day.
care group at ckk with janice they all on friday. had fun ey altho it was my first time there. =)planning to go again soon. hopefully will be able to make it for fun night this weekend.
saturday followed chiamie to snl again. surprise celebration for pastor tim and his wife! so sweet. ehehe..
sunday went for mass. damn farnie incident in the morning. me and randy nearly didnt have enough money for the cab fare. wonder what we would've done if we really didnt have enough? ahahaa.. dont wanna knowww.. luckily adrian sent us back and to the atm. or else sure die. wahahaaa.. first time i've ever felt so poor. NOT a good feeling. ehehe. lesson learnt? make sure there's always enough money at home and to always, ALWAYS withdraw from atm whenever money's starting to run low. =)
ah.
finally. today's been hectic. got to college early this morning coz had to do discussion for the advertising take-home exam which was due at 0500 in the evening! missed business comm to finish it, went to design study but no class, then went for advertising and came home at 0600pm. arrived home, met roy who wanted to go to i0i (i think now i know his reason wakakaaa.. a pretty green reason. teehee. *pokes tongue), then got my EXTERNAL HARD DISK!! so happyyy.. altho it was rm320 but hey, i'm not complaining. another extra 40Gs of space? whoaaaaaa.. ehehee.. and i finally did some necessary grocery shopping. so. in all? it's been a very hectic but productive day. very glad with myself. heh.
nothing interesting to blog about lately. not in the mood for deep thoughts. no, scratch that. it's more like, so in the mood for deep thoughts but just dont know the right words to put it. there. that sounds more accurate.
happy birthdayy!
a veryveryveryabsolutely HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY to ROY!!
*sigh.
roy's all grown up and all now.. finally reaching the big two-o. heh.. (macamlah i actually know you that long liao hoh roy? ahahaaaaa..)
well here's to mine and chiam's darling 'little sister' who's also a really great altho at times blur and cute friend..
HAPPY BDAYYYYY!! ehehe.
have a great one roy. see you tonight.
hope you had fun getting in the pool last night.
=)
blogging frenzy.
i dont know what's gotten into me lately. been blogging so much. heh. so unlike me.
like now, for instance. THREE POSTS IN A DAY! it's either i'm too bored or too stressed. oh how i wish it were the former. *sigh.
intro to advertising's supposed to be starting already; it's past 0500pm! but helmi isnt starting yet. agH. if only he'd just start fast and finish fast so we can all cabut for the 0600pm bus without feeling overly guilty. *sigh again.
this week is really going to be a really busy week.
i'm feeling tired just thinking of it.
skittles and the corrs.
this is just great. here i am, once again, at roy's place as the sun rises. i have not had a proper nap since i woke up yesterday at 7am and it was such a hectic day!
*sigh.
turning into a vampire. wonder when i'll turn bloodthirsty? soon, i think. i'm starting to feel the signs. i wonder if this wooziness i'm feeling right now is it? or maybe it's due to lack of sleep. ahah. whatever it is, i'm not feeling too good.
been listening to old songs from the corrs and singing along while munching on skittles littles so i can stay awake. roy seems so much more hyper than me today. maybe it's coz he's had more sleep. wargH.
cannot mention the 's' word. not good to my system at the mo.
need. to. finish. my. bloody. business. comm. essay.
ciaoz.
mooncake fest 2005.
the moon shone bright; only to be hidden by faint clouds. it was an almost perfect night.
that is, an almost perfect night for mooncake fest 2005 at vista prima. eheheee.. would've been more perfect if deb was here too. *sigh. and jess. *double sigh. but well. they were here too. in a manner of speaking.
soo. it all began with a simple dinner with chiamie and carol and elizabeth. THEN it grew to include almost everyone else. phwoar. we were getting stressed with the thought of there not being enough food, but well. turned out that we had more than enough extra, thanks to the chicken that sin cheow and max went to buy. ehehe.. so, as i love pics and have no time write much due to the pile of assignments i was supposed to finish over the weekend but havent touched yet, here they are. masterpieces courtesy of daryl the cameraman and max's camera. =)
chiam's doorway. lit by my single lantern. ehehe.
FOOD! ahahaaa.. courtesy of everyone coz it was potluck. i did the potato wedges (again. but hey i'm proud of 'em okaaay. *grin.), chiam did the veggies, kok lik the sausages, andre the bihun (altho he wasnt here. haih), randy and arif the drinks, and everyone else the chicken. that everyone else would be roy, max, aaron, chua, lizzie and daryl.
chow time..
candlelit faces and food..
solitary lantern. again.
reflections..
five girls and. two guys. ahaha..
by the pool. notice how the lanterns look so uniform and all? even max's self-made one in the centre fits in. cool eh.. i just realized it. ehehe..
group pic! tho a bit blur..
and so.. first of the group of lanterns to 'be fired'. literally.there ya go. no more pics after that coz we went out of prima for some more walking. guess it was too dark eh. but there was chiam's video tho which i really wanna watch! eheheee..
ahwells. guess i gotta get to work now. *sigh. stoopid business comm essay to hand in later today. haihh..
happy belated mooncake fest ppl!
happy birthdayy!
september is such a month of
birthdays. and soooo..
i would like to wish
MAX who's also my nephew coz he's darling deb's son..
A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY!ehehe. but no matter how old he gets, he's still gonna be my nephew. wahahahaa.. =)
i love being an auntie. and still stay young. lol.
happy birthday anyway max and
enjoy yourself this year.
oo and another birthday coming up soon. but that shall have to wait its turn. ahahaaa..
good morning malaysia.
the morning light streams in - a little of orange, pale pink and light blue. there are sounds of people getting up, getting ready for the day ahead. and here i am still stuck over my business communication's final draft for my essay. i say eff. what say you?
so pissed right now. wish i chose a different topic for it. smart lah me.. last minute decision for topic somemore lah. *sigh. the thing with me is, i'm always doing things last minute. like now. but i never learn.
i just looked out the window again. it's getting so much brighter now. minus the sight of sin cheow's black t-shirt hanging on the window la but well. it looks like such an impossibly happy day. agH. here i am still stuck at roy's place. good thing too, in a way, or else i'd be dead asleep at home and only waking up at 1100am to fret over the stoopid paper.
i think my whole sleeping time's screwed up. i didnt sleep all night agaIN. i need a life.
okay gotta go now. hafta wake roy up at 0700am. wish me luck that i'd be able to finish my essay!
happy birthdayyy!
to the birthday girl who's
FINALLY turned
EIGHTEEN and
LEGAL!ahahaaaa..
charziesss happy bdayyyy! hope you havin great time there and enjoying hols. dont stress too much over exams lah sure kacang one. lol. ehehee.. have a great bday
today aite?
oh and now that we're
BOTH 18, all we need is a driving license for you and we're set.
*big grin.
ke-tidaktidur-an.
great. i cant even sleep. it seems i have officially
screwed up my whole sleeping routine.
it is 0545am and just a few hours ago i was sleepy as hell trying to finish my assignments due tomorrow. now, having done it all, i'm as awake as a fish. er. well, i cant think of anything that doesnt sleep. do fish sleep? i can't picture fish sleeping coz they're always with their eyes open. so i think they dont sleep. but well i dont watch discovery channel as much, so what would i know? in that case, i guess i can say i'm as awake as roy's aka ex-debby's tortoises. i'm
PRETTY SURE they dont sleep coz whenever i look in on them at weird times of the day, there they are all awake. roy says they sleep tho. but let's just not listen to him right now coz i cant think of anything else that doesnt sleep. so i'm as awake as a tortoise.
ahahaaaa what a digresser. is there such a word? i'm too lazy to find out. i wanna sleep! i've got a really boring class frm 1000am onwards which requires a lot of concentration and which would probably last till about 0100pm or 0200pm. last week was bad enough; i want this week's class to be good. eheh. cant afford any more mistakes in that class. in this case, cant afford to sleep thru class tomorrow morning. =) but i still cant sleep.
maybe it's the
happy thought of actually having completed all my assignments due tomorrow. that's why i'm so wide awake. ehehe.. whatever it is, it's a good feeling tho. i procrastinate so much, i rarely finish on time. well, the good feeling only consists of finishing my assignment. not the not sleeping part. am i making any sense? no. i dont think so. i dont even get what i'm saying here.
aiii aku want to tidoooo! but aku's matas wont tutup. haih.
so, since i cant sleep, let me just fill this up and bore you with what's going on in my mind right now.
- i wanna kena lottery and earn at least 10 million
POUNDS not RINGGIT. wahahaha. then i can buy my sony cybershot dsc-t7, a saxophone, a digital videocam (not that i'd actually need one, i think, if i have the t7 already. but what the heck, i've got money to throw around =) ).. i just realize i want a lot of things lah. those are just the few off the top of my head. ooh, i want a scholarship sponsored by myself to any uni or college in europe, or.. i
COULD buy over luct and change the management and everything. then it'd be how i want it to be. food prices at makanlah would be
so cheap that even chiam would eat breakfast, lunch and dinner there. teehee. so funny. chiam would so kill me BUT YOU KNOW I STILL
LOVE YOU CHIAMIEEEE! ahah. so many other things i want lah. but nevermind. dont wanna say anything else. the mind thinks crazy things when deprived of enough rest.
- i wanna take a break and go to
redang and perhentian. but well, i'm gonna need my 10 million pounds anyway. i'm missing the beaches already.
- i wanna get a car in kl. again, the
money issue. =)
- i wanna sleep. because i think i'm kinda dreaming already tho my eyes are wide open. lottery and cars konon.. ahaha.
BUT I CANT SLEEP!and i've got a whole load of emails i'm supposed to be writing but i still havent gotten around to do them yet. haih. so sad. procrastinating for assignments and coursework are bad enough; i even do it for emails. what a sad case. but well, for ppls i havent replied emails or i'm supposed to send one to soon, you know me lah. ahaha.. i always take a long time to reply coz i always think i have a lot of things to say.. which ends up in me putting off writing that email till dunno when. but well. that doesnt mean i dont love getting emails! ehehe.
okay. it's 0622am. back home my mom's probably sending my bro to school. and i havent sleep all night! i wanna go home. i wanna drive. aiyohh..
i'd better go and try squeeze my eyes shut for at least
an hour and wake up at 0730am later.
i hate wednesdays.
in respond to carol's oh-so-nice welcome to my blog's link on her blog, here's one for her:
HELLO CAROL Y!! YUM LET'S GO MAMAK AGAIN AND WE SHALL..i dunno what we shall do. ehehe..let's just go do what we always go there to do lah. stomach unhealthy foods. =)
there you go.
so, as i was saying, i hate wednesdays. coz i have professional writing. not that i dont like the sub.. it's actually quite interesting. however, i hate the PILE OF ASSIGNMENTS that come with it. agH.
like right now i have TONNES of essays to do.. plus my vocab book that i have to show her that is SUPPOSED to have at LEAST 60-70 words already but i only have TWO. tell me again how dead i am?
*sigh.
confessions of a true procrastinator. and at times, even enjoying it. wahahaa..
at times i wonder..
there are people out there with worse hurts and cuts than me; people who've gone thru more. people who've been really, truly happy.. and who've seen it all gone right before their eyes. people who've shared something much deeper.. losing it all in just a glance.
and yet.. at times i just feel like i've lost so much. as though a part of me just went missing one day; never to return. to be feeling so deeply hurt, so lost. but what i've felt was nothing compared to what a lot of other people went thru. and that's why i wonder.
i wonder how i can feel so bad and down; when all i've gone thru is only a pinprick compared to everyone else. when theirs concerns something so deep, so indescribable. when theirs is more than just a simple feeling; whereas i'm not even sure what i had anymore.
i wonder. if my almost nothingness can hurt so badly, how would a deeper hurt feel?
i think i dont want to know.
.: if a small cut can hurt that bad, it'd be insane to look for bigger cuts. :.
jealousy.
here i am, all bored and all.. wanting to sleep but not sleepy yet so i am still lepaking at roy's place. actually wanted to write a really interesting post but i forgot what i wanted to say. hopefully i'll remember soon. ahaha.
roy's somewhere doing some fashion show (wahaha..) while daryl's playing carol's keyboard so there's utada hikaru's final distance in the background. i'm hogging roy's laptop. again.
oo and yeah. as i was so happily blog surfing, i came upon this quiz on lynda's blog. check it out
here. teehee. shows how jealous i am. check it out! mine says:
You are 20.63% jealous!For this test, the average jealousy percentage is 35.54%.301784 people have taken this test to date.
This percentage means that :•You have very few jealous traits.•You rarely over-react and have a handle on the severity of situations.•Whatever jealous attributes you do have will not present a problem in relationships, and will sometimes help.i wonder if it's really true. arent people who rarely get jealous the ones who always miss out? the ones who always lose what they truly want? *sigh. never mind. not the time for deep thoughts now. just wanna relax. lemme look for more interesting quizzes to keep me occupied.
nice.
it's just such a nice day today. i dont know how, or why, but in all aspects, it's nice.
here i am sitting here at roy's place again 'stealing' his internet line - until i can finally get a chance to talk to kevin and ask him if i can split with him! eheheee.. i feel like such a thief.
got assignments due, exams to begin studying for.. but i'm still in full-relaxed mode. wonder when will i ever learn? i'm such a procrastinator. love and hate being one. lol. keeps life interesting. what a new theory. *big grin.
the days since debby's left are just so.. different. i got a new roommate - kok lik - who's real nice and all, but she just isnt deb. i miss deb. i miss deb and all our crazy times together.. talking till late into the night even though i've got class the next day.. and especially with me falling asleep on her at times! ahahaa.. i miss that. now all i do before sleep is just walk back late to my place from roy's and just zone out the moment i'm on the bed. no more interesting 'stories' to share. *sigh.
and now i'm starting to feel just a WEE bit hungry coz i havent had lunch yet since i woke up at 1130. heh. maybe i shall just go tapau from downstairs a while.
daa!
