2004.

it's a day off to 2005. in less than 24 hours, i'll be unofficially 18 *big grin*.

one year passed quickly. 366 days of decisions, mistakes, joy, sadness and stress, just to name a few. life and all it has to offer us - keeping us busy day by day. before closing off this year as another chapter in my 17 years on this sphere of life, let me just reflect on all that's happened throughout 2004.. all this so that in times to come, i can look back and remember, all the mistakes i made (and learn from them), all the sweet memories i had (and cherish them), all the bad and good that's happened in the year before i finally set free and go out on my own..

this is my story of 2004.
started the year feeling pretty blue. i was broken, hurt.. whatever negative feeling you can name, i had it. most of all, i was confused. so many things weren't right for me then.

school began, and thank God for friends. thank You for sending angels in the form of all my friends. they have helped me in ways i could never imagine.. in life, in studies, in keeping me occupied so i wouldnt have to worry about things unnecessary. they've encouraged me to keep up with my grades - with my ever-dropping grades, at times i started to believe that i might not bring it back up anymore. with friends supporting me, i gained the confidence that if i worked hard enough, i just might make it. they never gave up on me either, even though i'm probably the worst procrastinator in the world. =) i dont know how to thank you all for all that you've done for me. thank you so much.

however, parts of my life were still on loose ends, though academically i was on more solid ground. i realized that i made a lot of mistakes, but there was nobody i could turn to as no one understood at all. i couldnt solve any of it, i failed in making things better. i was as insecure as anyone could ever get. i started having a lot of doubts in myself.

as time got by, it didnt get better. i only got better in hiding it and keeping it to myself. i smiled, i laughed, i enjoyed with everyone else.. but inside, i was lost.

mid year proved hardest on me. went through hell and back and realized what a fcuked up life i had. pondered on a lot of things. a lot of questions went unanswered. i just knew, i wasnt good enough. no one could help me; no one could explain.. because no one understood.

i started keeping it all in; locking up all that i felt even though at times it was too much to handle. i kept myself busy with friends and trying hard not to do too badly in spm.

months later and spm was around the corner. i wondered how was i ever going to pass? there were so many things i didnt know.. so much shyt i didnt understand. i blamed myself for wasting time before, but well, it's too late for that anyway. the only thing i could do was to learn from that bloody mistake and stop procrastinating so much in the future.

spm came and ended just like that. holidays began and it came to this.

earthquake and tsunami wrecking south asia ends 2004. so many lives lost and i've come to realize another thing - life is precious. not that i didnt know it before, but just that the magnitude of it all just came crashing down on me that life doesnt go on forever. you never know if you're still going to be alive the next morning. you never know if your loved one might be leaving for good at this very instant. you just never know. it's all so unpredictable.

life is so short, and i've wasted a whole year on nothing. at this point i regret wasting my time on regrets. i regret pondering on 'what ifs'. i regret a lot of all i did this year. if i could turn back time, there are so many things i would change about what i did. but i know i cant.

i know that there's no use regretting now. all i can do now is just make this past year as a lesson in life - once you go, never look back. for me i know it's easier said than done, but why repeat mistakes when you know how bad the consequences are?

as of now, in less than 24 hours to the new year, i promise myself that i will never take time lightly ever again. i promise myself that i will make full use of life. i promise myself that i will learn from my mistakes and never repeat them.

there. that was easily said. now i just have to work hard on it.

and while i'm at it, i definitely wouldnt have gotten through this year if it wasnt for..

for God.. for keeping me strong at my weakest points; for making me brave through all that life had to throw at me.

for my family.. my dad, my mom, my bro.. all who've lived with me and always kept me feeling loved.. we've had our ups and downs as a family but that's just what makes us stronger. i love you all so much!

for my friends.. all of you are everything to me. thanks for being there for me when i needed you the most. thanks for keeping me busy with all that you did. thanks for all your advice.. i dont know who i'd be if it wasnt for you guys. thank you so much.. *hugz* <3

finally, there ends my 2004. now all i have to do is box up all the bad memories and mistakes and hope that they wont find a way back to my life. forget it all..

2005, here i come!

peace be with you all too. =)

@ 1:30 AM 0 Comments

bloo.

oo woke up late today. lazed around at home all day. definitely not good. ahaha..

@ 11:45 PM 0 Comments

home sweet home.

arrived home at 8 last night to pouring rain. so pouring, in fact, that many parts of town actually got flooded. some welcome, huh? ahaha.. but it's good to be home. reunion with my dear blue pillow! *wink*

immediately after reaching home dad turned on CNN for news on the earthquake and tsunami. when i heard the news about it that morning, i didnt even give much thought to it, except for thinking it must've been a pretty big earthquake coz the newsreader said it was 8.4 on the richter scale. only after i got home did i realize the magnitude of how much it affected places everywhere, not only in indonesia because of the tsunami the earthquake caused. and that it's actually 9.0 on scale..

so many lives gone.. so much destruction caused.. hope that God protects all those injured and still missing. we're all praying for the victims and families of those lost.. hopefully there wont be any more casualties.

@ 8:30 PM 0 Comments

merry christmas!

i realize that it's been ages since i last blogged. waH~.. well, this calls for a christmas blog then! ahaha.. crap i dont even know what i'm crapping about. i'm currently too full to think properly.. ahaH.. =p

well.. before i go on any further.. i'd like to wish everyone out there a very merry christmas and a happy new year! =) hope everyone's having as much fun as i am ehehe.. hrm. either that or having MORE fun. ahaha..

okay.. updates on all that happened since i last blogged.

after my bro's birthday in perlis, we (me, my mom and my bro) got down to KLIA on the morning of the 16th and had to wait a WHOLE DAY for our flight to johor bahru which was due to depart at around 8 in the evening. luckily we had people to accompany us at different times of the day. first it was dorothy with her dad and ferris with his dad because they came down together from alor setar with us. their flight to kuching was due around one in the afternoon. not too long later, nino and his grandma joined us. their flight back to manila wasnt even confirmed.. so kolien them arr.. they were on waiting list so they most likely had to wait till the next day or the day after that to finally get back. which means they have to sleep over at KLIA, like we did, except theirs is different.. when we stayed over at least we had the whole group with us. for them, it's just the two of them.. well, while waiting together with them we did get to learn some filipino words.. ehehe.. nino's so cute. he's only 12 but he's a real great tennis player.. francis casey alcantara (that's his real name), he got chosen by the australian open so he's gonna be in australia the whole of next month to PLAY and to WATCH the australian open.. yes he's THAT good.. i got to watch him play a couple of times in penang and perlis, and yeah.. i'm VERY impressed. heh. okayyy, i'm digressing. ahaha.. after nino and his grandma, zhi yuan together with his dad and bro joined us around the evening. then it was sarah's family.. yeahh.. can say we had some sort of party in KLIA on that day lah.. ahaha.. FINALLY arrived in johor bahru around 11pm coz the plane kept on getting delayed. FINALLY met my daddy too! after so long of not seeing him.. heh.

the next day.. got an sms from nino saying that he and grandma arrived safely in the phillipines.. thanked the Lord for taking care of them and making sure that they made it safely back with no problems - nino's grandma is 78yrs old.. and nino's only 12! thank God they made it back and didnt have to spend another night in the airport of a country so foreign to them..

well.. felt relieved after receiving nino's sms.. the next few days in johor were pretty boring. didnt go out at all.. spent all day watching my aunt's vcd collection ahaha.. ooh i so love the movie the wedding planner! even tho it's quite old, i know, but then.. *sighz* i'm such a sucker for sweet movies.. and matthew mcconaughey! i love his accent.. is it southern? ahaha i have NO idea but i've GOT to find out =)

hrm.. came over to s'pore on the 19th - that was on sunday. finally got to see my CUTE cousin brenda!! ahaha.. she's gotten so much taller and slimmer now. less baby fat. ehehe.. but still cute none the less. well, of course, she DOES look a lot like me when i was that age. *wink* kinda runs in the family ehh.. ahaha! okayyyy.. i think the after-effects of too much food is still making me talk crap.

the past week has been all shopping and going out.. ahaha i've been waking up at about 10 every morning! argH.. so cham arrr.. turning into a real pig.. plus all my grandma's great cooking and amazing snacks they have here. shyT. definitely have to play more tennis and stuff when i get back to miri.. ahaha..

besides all that, some other big shyt happened too.. which is kinda erm.. personal to publish up here but well. haihz. ohwellz. dont wanna get into sad stuff now lah.. it's christmas day! ahaha.. hrm.

finally.. YESTERDAY. CHRISTMAS EVE.

had christmas dinner last night.. but i'll just skip about how good the food was la =) ahaha.. then it was present time! tradition in their family here's to open presents right after dinner, so yeah.. follow lor. ahaha.. not that i'm complaining or anything tho.. *wink*

i got..

an ESPRIT purse! ahhh i love it so much.. it's in different shades of brown and bigger than my previous one. can keep more stuff in it.. heh. i hung the keychain that zhi yuan gave on it =)

a PINK watch! ehehe i've been watch-less for so long liao lor.. all my watches cannot use one.. good also lah plus it's real nice with big numbers 12, 3, 6 and 9. *big grin*

and many other little things which i cant name or else i'm gonna end up rambling on and on about them.. ahaha.. well those two presents are from my closest aunts so yeah.. love them SOOOO much! and not just cause they got me nice stuff arr.. if that's what you're thinking.. =p

ahh.. and finally.. the present i adore the most.. which i got from my aunt's husband.. the one i had difficulty breathing while i got the present paper off it.. the one where my hands were shaking when i got it out of the package..

a 5.0GB MuVo²FM DIGITAL MUSIC PLAYER from CREATIVE! in other words, an mp3 player which stores 2500 songs, has radio, and has a microphone to record sounds.. omG. i know it's no iPOD.. but for me, it's great enough. ahaha.. ahhHHH i still cant believe my luck actually.. ehehe.. 5 gigs.. mygawd that's.. *swoon* and it's black and white in colour. sleek =) is that cool or what? ahaha..

ahaha shyt okay i'd better get myself back on ground.. well that was christmas eve. went for midnight mass after that which lasted only ONE hour. hrm the masses in miri should last that long too~.. ehehe.. and their choir is great..

well this morning woke up late again. had sushi (yum!) - i'm so gonna miss sushi when i get back to miri.. ahaKz.. then around evening time we left for the esplanade. watched a jazz band performance (i miss my baby saxophone! =( ) and had haagen dasz ice-cream.. we all shared on a seventh heaven and damnnnn it IS heavenly.. will post up a pic of it after i get the pics onto my computer ehehe..

so yeah, that's basically all that's happened this week. ahh my fingers are tired from not typing so much in so long.. heh. i guess the next time i blog, i'll be in miri already.. will be going back tomorrow and arriving in miri at night. i miss my blue pillow!! ahaha..

i guess that's all for now.. once again,

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

@ 11:55 PM 0 Comments

happy birthday~!

today is my baby bro's birthday~!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU CRAZY BUGGER!

ahaha.. well even though we're celebrating it in perlis.. with only mee juta and junk food for snacks.. together with kevin, tiara and kim li for company.. i sure hope you're enjoying your 14th bday all the same..

NOT FORGETTING that even though you're much much taller than me, i will forever be older than you, no matter how many birthdays you celebrate.. *pokes tongue* =)

it's just that only for TODAY, i'm letting you have your way. ehehe..

take care lil bro..

@ 8:50 PM 0 Comments

i miss home.

i miss my bed..

i miss my computer..

i miss my home phone..

i miss homecooked meals..

i miss my cd player..

most of all, i miss everyone back home!!

ohh.. and i miss my BLUE MAS PILLOW which i left at home. that is the SOLE thing i cannot live without. i've been going CRAZY these few weeks since i left it.. *sobz*

ahaha..

okay i'm done.. that was just a short bout of homesickness.. i'm fine now.. =)

well today's been pretty good, except for the fact that zhi yuan had to leave for KL earlier than us and my bro lost in his doubles in the semifinals. went to padang besar which is around the thai border.. tax-free beb! but didnt go shopping at the tax-free area la.. went around the place where you can get a rolex for RM28. ahaha.. nothing much la.. the place still seems the same as it was when we went there during mssm earlier this year..

after that we went to gua kelam. pretty nice cave with good views.. inside the cave is all water underneath so there's a bridge for everyone to walk on.. all the water in the cave seems to lead to some waterfall. pretty cool.. it would've been much more fun for me if i wasnt afraid of heights. the bridge was so high over the water that i got so freaked out the whole way. plus the fact that my bro kept on bugging me about my fear of heights.. ahaha.. but i really love the limestone in the cave.. makes the walls of the cave look as tho it's covered with diamonds.. nice. =)

oh well.. gotta run now. having mee juta later on. it's a pretty famous dish in kangar. had it the last time we were here. DAMN GOOD noodles with chicken. ALMOST can beat the chicken noodles in miri's central market.. ehehe..

my darling bugger bro's bday is tomorrow! ahaha he's FINALLY turning 14.. i love him so much <3

later!

@ 7:56 PM 0 Comments

sunburnt!

i feel like a lobster. i'm so sunburnt that my skin's all red and i'm so freaking dark.. heh.

but i love this feeling. the feeling of being under the sun all day long.. supporting my bro and everyone else i know in their matches.. watching all those amazingly hard to do strokes.. haihz. wish i can play like that. ahaha.. but then.. watching's good enough too! i get to see all the cute tennis players.. ahaha..

too bad the tournament's coming to an end soon. i'll be leaving this thursday to singapore. *sighz* gonna miss everyone again.. ehehe..

oh yeah ivan lost in singles yesterday to this korean kid.. he lost 8-2 to oh su bin.. ahaha.. cute la that kid. i SO have to get a picture with him.. *big grin* a bit nerdy looking, yeah.. but he plays good tennis and he's cute. =) proves that looks can be deceiving.. ahaha.. oh and he's FOURTEEN~.. haihz.. lolz. too bad for the language factor too. but well.. *wink wink*

aiihhh SHOOT!! they wanna leave liao.. i wanna type long long also cannot.. haihz.. well next time la.. ehehe.. happy hols ppl~!

@ 5:23 PM 0 Comments

finally!

i've finally got into a cyber.. ahaha and it's so damn noisy in here i swear i'm gonna die if i have to stay in here longer. but i cant go withou blogging, can i? ahaha..

well.. just arrived in perlis from penang around noon time.

arGH shyt! gotta go. my mom's calling. they all have to go to train at the courts liao..

later.

@ 3:42 PM 0 Comments

"you carried me in; now you have to carry me out"

i just found this story from a friendster bulletin a friend of mine posted. it's really sweet & nearly brought tears to my eyes.. *sighz* or maybe i'm just feeling overly emotional again. ahaha.. well whatever it is, take a look at it. it's worth a read. enjoy..

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom. This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, "Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls." Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said,"You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, "Suppose we divorce, what will you do?" She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that 'divorce' was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to tell you," I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want to divorce." I raised a serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "Why?". "I'm serious." I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!".

At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?" This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, "I remember". "You carried me in your arms", she continued, "so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning." I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce," she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Let us start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there."

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to carry mum out," he said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old." I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our life was lack of such intimacy."

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious." She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. "You got no fever," she said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you." Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into cry.

I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until we are old."

@ 2:38 PM 0 Comments

FREEDOM!

ahh.. yes. i can finally say it. freedom.

sweet freedom in my hands.. =)

ahaha cant believe i didnt blog yesterday! arghh.. i had so much to say.. i guess i just didnt have the mood la.. hrm. gotta remind myself to blog more often before i forget everything i really wanna say..

well.. to tell the truth, i really didnt feel the post-spm mood right after the last whistle sounded yesterday. all these months i thought that 3.30pm on the 2nd december 2004 would be the happiest moment after all that stress and everything - but it just didnt seem that way when it finally happened.

i guess the main reason was coz i was feeling pretty bummed out about bio. i dont think i did too well.. stupid experiment and stuff. argH.. but there's no use crying over spilt milk, is there? serves me right for not studying more.. but what the heck. i was already pasrah when i went in to sit for bio anyway.. however i didnt feel too bad about it anymore after that. i'm not gonna need it for mass comm anyway =)

so then.. when i got into the car and finally thought i was gonna start feeling THE feeling.. the freaking-spm-is-finally-over-and-i-can-start-to-party feeling.. i began to realize that there are some friends i might not even have a chance to see anymore! some going for NS.. some whom i have no idea where they're going.. some whom i didnt get the chance to get their contact numbers and addresses.. arghh.. it's like, such a HEAVY feeling deep inside la.. i dont even know how to say it.. i was starting to miss the school and everyone in it even though i was only a few metres away from school. i didnt even get to say goodbye to some of them.. *sighz* dunnola was just feeling so nostalgic. it felt even worse than during convocation day..

ahaha.. i dunno what's with me these two days.. but well, i guess i'm feeling better liao la.. just got back from a buffet dinner at dynasty's café rosita with the ngiauchi po's (chan & sin mei), kai ning, lynda, tracy, euphrasia, nish and jin hsien.. ehehe.. took plenty of pictures with lynda's new camera. i love it soooo much! it's the canon powershot. argH.. so jealous of her. =p

ohh and i'm really looking forward to going to KL tomorrow night. will be spending the night in KLIA with some of the other kuching players. then we'll be flying to penang together early the next morning. i SO cant wait to see them! havent seen all of them for so long.. miss them so much laa..

i'm only halfway thru packing. just got into the holiday mood a bit lah today.. ehehe =) hopefully i'd get to blog even tho i'm not around. definitely will try to find cyber cafés once i'm there. ahaha dun think i'd have a prob with that.. those lil guys cant seem to live without playing counter-strike while on tournaments. they'd definitely know where all the cybers are.. lolz.

ahhhhh i'm feeling so good..

*wink*

oh and i'm back to my old skin. ehehe.. just wanna keep things simple la while i'm away. ;)

@ 11:55 AM 0 Comments